A Different special Christmas...

WOW.. It has been while since my last blog man the season is busy that is for sure.It didnt help either that my computer went to the Dr's. This seems to be the time where there are extra dinner parties extra activities at church, school, ect..

We had a good Thanksgiving hosted it here with some Family. Thanksgiving came by so fast the time just seems to speed up during these two months. So then it is Christmas I was so excited to decorate and bake and do the extra things during this month. The first thing hit me when I was pulling out the stockings and seeing the two that had been made that won't be up on the mantle. Yes I did I sobbed like a baby I couldn't believe how much it hurt. I gave myself 10 minutes and stopped. I then sat there and wondered if they will be able to have a Christmas

 because I have no idea. I can torture myself and think they won't especially to know  what Tyler was able to experience last year. He had a Christmas I am so Thankful he will never forget a Christmas full of love and seeing what it is truly about. I remember last Christmas he never had a Tree, so to decorate it he loved it. Then on Christmas morning my anticipation for him to be able to walk out and see his face shocked me. Not a bad way almost a little overwhelming. He had no expression really he was overwhelmed never experienced anything like it. So that is where I torture myself is him not being able to have that every year its hard. Holidays are hard for I think anyone who is grieving I don't know what it is. I mean it is the most meaningful time. Our Savior was born!!! The girls especially my Averee have had some hard times with the boys not being here at Christmas but boy do we ever love to talk about them and laugh about the times we had.

At the beginning of the month I went to a Christmas Tea it was so nice. The speaker went up and she was talking and said " I want to show this video".We'll can I just tell you when God wants to speak to you he will let you know and he did. I heard the music and saw and I knew it was for me. I cried so hard I had to be consoled but the cry was different. It was yes a little sad but a happy cry. Here is the video the very beginning is what  I want you to see and understand what I mean.

I know you think Michelle always puts things on here that make me cry. Well if I have learned anything its ok to cry. Someone told me God gave us tears for a reason. 

This is our temporary

home and the boys they are also to in their temporary home. Even though they are not with us and I have no clue what it is like for them. I have that hope that is there Temporary home. That one day I will see them and we will be in our permanent home together. I know this video was meant for me that day because it has truly helped me this time of year. We can get so caught up in this world and our own desires and forgetting the real reason of it all. God is coming back one day if it is this life time or not. We know as a Family we gave Tyler the guidance into his true salvation even if he was only 6 he accepted God into his heart and will have that for the rest of his life and to guide his little brother. This honestly was the best gift because I would of been on a one way mind set this Christmas but God got us through. This Christmas was special because we were thankful for having the Boys at all and sharing the memories with them. Remember the small things in life are really small things. Don't get caught up with what YOU think is important. I have fought this battle the last 5 months and I am freed of it.

      

 

 

The Enenmy will Prey on a Broken and healing heart.

So this month is especially hard for me as its National Adoption Month which we would have been finalizing this month with the boys. But this month we are big advocates of because we know and love a couple of special children who are no longer orphans because of there selfless parents and for that I am blessed to have been a part of and can't wait to be apart of Adoption Month one day.

 This is why its hard. I am struggling so my heart is vulnerable I can see and feel how the enemy can prey on it. Sometimes during this process something can trigger it for me or I wake up with a angry feeling. Like this morning I woke up with a aery feeling and was not feeling like my self and my post was going to be different. As I  was typing I felt as God was trying to tell me to not let the enemy in because I can't not move forward with a clean heart if I do. I don't think I have really ever shared my past issue with depression and anxiety it's very hard to admit. People close to me know I have struggled with it. I was 20 with my first episode of anxiety and then turned into depression I couldn't leave my house for a month. I laid on the couch everyday with fear and no emotion. Tyler helpless because he didn't know how to help me did everything possible to help me feel better. Than I found out I was pregnant with Faith and thank God it subsided. Year and half later we bought a new house Faith was a year and half same thing I went into the depression and anxiety attacks. I didn't leave my house eat and I couldn't even be a Mom to Faithe which remembering brings me to tears. I lost a lot of weight and was very weak. Our dear friends Steve and Regina knew my struggle and they came over and asked if they could sing me a song with their guitar  I can't remember the song but it truly saved me at that time. There wasn't one dry eye in that room and it was like they were saying to the enemy leave Michelle's heart and God take over. I became better for a while finding out I was pregnant with Averee I did fine Until a couple years later when Averee and Faith were 5 and 2. I got very depressed and had bad anxiety I even missed Averee's birthday party laying in bed telling everyone I was sick because I couldn't get out of bed. I actually am so shamed to say it I can't believe that it happened. So then I realized I had to get help I did try medicine and it made me feel worse. It does work for some people for me it didn't that isnt saying its not good just that for me I had to do something different. I went and got help I saw a christian therapist and she help me change my life. She help me to deal with scarring childhood experiences that I never wanted to remember and deal with. At 26 years old it came out and I delt with my demons I forgave my past and all I had to experience and told her things I hadn't even told Tyler. Things that happened that no child should go through. I got help and it forever changed my life I gave it to God and I felt no more burden from it. I don't know why this morning was the morning to share this but it was all God. This morning was the first morning I felt like I did 6 years ago and almost felt like it could take over. Than I prayed and talked to him and he truly took it away that horrible feeling and I know he is guarding my heart and I will not go there. If you feel like you are in the most blackest place in your life he will get you out but you have to give it to him. Give him your struggles and your hurt because he wants to take it from you. Satan knows I am vulnerable right now and I wont give that to him. I know God is guarding my heart. Depression and anxiety is one of the worst things  person can deal with. Don't let the enemy feed off of it. I am a testament that God does heal all wounds.  Get help if your struggling it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Please listen to this song.I know I put songs on my blogs but worshiping is one of my most inanimate times with God. Music has truly help me along the way. This song says a lot for me.                         

1 Peter 5:7

 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

He made us in every detail to work according to his will! ll!

Do you remember when you were saved? That time in your life when you asked God to be your personal savior and accept in to your heart?

 I remember I was just a little girl went to a christian school and they asked us in class if we wanted to make that choice. I will never forget my teacher coming to pray with me. I fully didn't quite understand all of it but it sure sounded good and this God wanted only but the best for me. I lived my life like anyone else around me friends, sports raised by a single Dad. So maybe everything wasn't the same but I thought it was during that time. Not until my senior year in High school when I went on missions trip to Mexico did I truly vow and give my life to the Lord. I will never forget being in the poorest of poorest town and the people were so kind and generous. I was with Ty my boyfriend at the time not husband yet...lol  and our friend Tim and Lindsey and we were talking to the Pastor of the church there Tim told him he liked his sweater and he took it off and gave it to him. No questions just gave it to him. Your thinking no big deal, but to see this man who had nothing him and his family lived in one square cement building with living off maybe 5 dollars a week. Had such a givers heart.

This has stuck with me and always had me thinking. Just because we give our lives to God and become a Christian doesn't mean we will live a perfect life and never go through trials or destined to live an extravagant life. It means we will go through it and have the Holy Spirit and Grace with us. The Pastor had no reason to give Tim his sweater yet he had the Love for Jesus and no other will in his heart but to love on people and serve. This Pastors life was destined for him even if that meant he and his family lived off 5 dollars in cement home this life for that Pastor does not mean God loves him any less just that he was who God wanted to be in that little Mexico Town.

Now to get why I shared this story we are all going to go through something in our lives that are some major Trials. Just following our Family you would see we aren't exempt even following a calling God had on our lives. But it brings me to think of what comes out of that Trial that matters most? Now I am not putting any hurt or suffering that someone has gone through any less of what it really was. I just know from what I have seen from what people have gone through what they turn around and do with it meaning BLESSING someone because of what they went through. I think of non profits or fund raisers all of that is to bless someone else in need because of what they maybe had to experience.  I am thinking of a friend who went through what no mom should never have to go through and loose a child. My heart hurts for her and her family because that is a pain unless you have gone through it you wouldn't know. But I think of what her and her Husband did. They turned around and blessed so many families and children in the Hospitals after the loss of their child. Now I don't why they did it but I bet you it was sparked from what they just went through. So this makes me think Does God turn our Losses or what we go through in life so we will turn into Blessing someone else who needs it? Right now I am able to something for a friend that I would never be able to do of my boys were here. People see me doing it and they think I am crazy. But Isn't this life for us to Bless and serve others? Trust me I would never want to go through what are family did but I look at right now what I am able to do for someone else. The families that were touched by my friends family might of never been touched if they hadn't went through what they did. Be a Blessing you don't have to go through a trial to be one. Bless someone today even if that means a simple meal, a phone call, paying for someones starbucks in front of you. There is always a way to bless someone especially during this time of year. Remember this life isn't yours to please yourself its about Loving God and Loving Others....

                   Ephesians 1:11  In Him we have obtained an inheritance,having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to his will.

This was a big deal for our Family.

 Family Pictures I mean everyone seems to take them. Its that time of year when Family's start to make appointments with their local photographer. I mean Christmas is right around the corner and you want to have your pics done by Christmas. Our Family has never had professional photo's done we have had family pictures where a friend or family member took them with there camera but never have we had professional pictures done. With our process of pursuing adopting I have also held it off because I wanted to be able to have whoever we had in our family in the pictures. After losing Elijah I held it off because I knew we still wanted more. Than we got the boys and I thought Ok I really want them done but we can't take them yet not until adoption is final than we will. So we had our friends last Christmas take a really fast picture of us in our backyard and we were good with that. I would always see family pictures and say I can't wait to do that.

Then it came time the boys are now gone and we didn't get to point with the adoption and no family pictures with them in it what I had been longing for, I had already thought ways we would take them and how they would all look.

So Finally I made the decision we will do Family pictures and we will capture our right now moment even if that meant they we would not have them in the pictures. So I cried  telling my husband and I told him I'm ready lets get Family pictures. So we did and here they are.........

 I know everyone gets pictures done our family pictures tell a story of God's Glory.

We can overcome the darkness and even though the picture may not have who I wanted in it It has who's is supposed to be in it RIGHT NOW! This is the Napier family yes you walked through the hardest darkest times of our lives but we prevail and we can't wait to see who gets to be in our next FAMILY photo...

GOD IS GOOD!!!!

Finding Joy in what God HAs called us to do.

 It is has been a while since I have blogged about our adoption journey. It seems like we have had the cry wolf situations, of the Napier's are adopting twice and both failing miserably. You are probably thinking how can you say that. I am being honest, twice now we have attempted to bring in forever children to our home and it hasn't happened. Oh the suffering in it is HARD having two failed attempts that would get you. If you didn't have God in the center of it which we have. Having friends and family so involved with the ones you bring in because you think they will end up being yours people get attached and start to bond. So when there is a crucial decision made that affects EVERYONE it is rough. Our family is healing our girls are doing good. They still want to talk about them and they are allowed to as much as they want. We don't act like they were never here. We like to remember different things that went on during the time we had them. It as been 2 1/2 months since we went from a family of 7 to 5. We are back to the 5 like we were before maybe a little different because of what we went through. I mean I have my days. Two weeks ago it all came out and I wish I could take that day back but I can't. It was not fun. It was pure anger that came out it happened it finally happened. I snapped I was so angry at God and screaming at him. WHY WOULD YOU ALLOW ME TO BRING IN CHILDREN TO  OUR HOME AND TURN MY HOUSE AND KIDS UPSIDE DOWN?? I couldn't hold it any longer. I was angry that our family had to experience what we just went through. My crying turned into sobbing because I realized then that we were called to do this hurting or no hurting. And that is wasn't about us at all. It was about loving these two special people even if God planned for them to leave because they are Gods children and I knew right then that God was hurting too. We can't put stipulations on what God has called us too. Your heart has to be all in or its truly not for Him!!!

 So I know what your thinking are they going to do this again?? I mean we read her blog and cry at all her stories how could they? I will tell you why because we were called to something AND WE KNOW IN THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS GOD WILL HONOR IT. That one day my blog will say " WE ARE ADOPTING AMEN" and can't wait til that day but until then we will persevere and know God has a plan for us and we will wait in JOY. Remember we don't live this life for ourselves we live to serve others even if that means God gives and takes away.                                                                                                                                                        
                                                             Proverbs 23:18
                  You will be rewarded for this; your hope will not be disappointed.

Moms to Daughters

 Many of my followers are Mommies and some of you are Moms to daughters and this culture we live in now that is so vein and into me me me.. We need to be the example to our daughters of what is truly important. Don't get me wrong I like to dress up and look nice like any other woman in a healthy way . But I want to be the example to my girls of what is really important. Be the example!!


For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!
--Sam Levenson

One MonthToday..

                                                              

                   Have you ever seen a movie that you think wow I have been there, I get the movie.

 Well The Odd Life of Timothy Green, All I can say is GREAT..

I know everyone has their opinions on movies but this movie was so well written.It didn't Hollywood the script . I mean a little maybe a kid coming from the garden I get it. The writing of this movie had so much more than that. We took our girls to go see it and thought it looked cute and fun to go as a family. What was to come about we did not expect at all. It was like this movie was meant for our family to see. We just experienced everything they went through with different terms and circumstances. A family though who deals with loss but not really. A son they so hoped for and wanted. I won't give the movie away but you have to go see it. This little boy gave everyone such a positive change in there lives even when they didn't think it wasn't a blessing when truly that is why he was there. He allowed his parents to see what they were capable of doing. 

Goes without saying Tyler and I held our hands so tight and wiping from our eyes over and over. This movie truly touched our hearts because we had Timothy except his name was Tyler and he shined brightly and left a blessing to everyone he met. His little brother Trent allowed people to love the loveless. Today has been one month since I had to say goodbye our boys. I MISS them more than you could imagine. Tonight at dinner we all went around saying our favorite memories of the boys were. 

Averee shared her favorite memory was holding Trent and having Tyler get to be in her kindergarten class.

Faiths memory was knowing when Trent would cry she would just have to pick him up and he would smile at her and stop, and the way Tyler made her laugh.

Lola's memory, not like she knew what we meant she said I love my brothers.

My memory was hearing Trent baby talk it was so sweet and Tyler had the best laugh it made me smile from ear to ear hearing it. 

Tyler's memory was when he would get Trent out of his crib he would kick his legs and smile at him and the way Tyler would jump on him when he got home from work. The way he would say "Sup Daddy".

 Tears are falling from my face as how I wish I could say this is just an everyday thing. 

Not a memory we talk about at dinner because they aren't here.

But today I say this

Thank you God for those memories to have. For we are better to have had our boys then to have never had them at all. These boys showed our family how we are capable to love and do things we never thought we could do as a family. I really recommend to see the movie and bring tissue. You will see why it was meant for our family. This was a good time for all of us to see it.

 

Little ears..

 

  Music in the car... I always play music in the car in less the kids and I are talking about something or they are watching their dvd player. The music now days it can be filled with so much inappropriate messages and language. I am guilty to the next sometimes with what I listen too.

I usually leave it on our local k-love christian radio the kids and I love it. The songs in themselves our like a personal prayer or struggle that I am dealing with. Worshiping is one of my biggest form of prayers to God.

While Little Tyler was with us he loved listening to K-love he had never heard of that kind of music before. He came from hearing  rap music. When we would be changing the station and that type of music would come on he would always ask us to keep it there. We would always tell him that it wasn't good for him to listen too.

Well that is when it started his love for christian music. He would love to hear what it would say and asked me to always turn it up. I can remember one time singing out loud with him in the car together.

Then there was this one day I will never forget.

This song came on 

Tyler said to me " Mommy this isn't our home hugh? Our home is with God in heaven" I said " You are exactly right Buddy" I cried all the way home with tears of Joy. This little guy has come so far and he gets it!!!! He got it. I still hold on to that day and will forever that he got it. He left our home knowing God will forever be in his heart and this isn't his permanent home wherever he is.. Amen....

Faith is 9..

 This little one made me Mommy first. She was the easiest and tiniest

baby.

Faith is growing up to be such a sweet spirit. If you know her she is very shy. She loves to play outside, ride her bike and dancing is a passion of hers. 

I am so proud of of the little person she is becoming. She was made to be the first born because let me tell you she is the most amazing older sister. Her compassionate heart has inspired me along the way. When our family grew from 3 to 5 over night Faith was my side helper all the time. Her heart is big and loves to help out with little ones. She is going to make a fantastic baby sitter for you Mommies with little ones down the way..hint hint..

She wants to do right, and her love for God is abundant. Faith is her own person and and I am so grateful for her. Just yesterday Faith won and made into her student Council to run for a class representative. She made a speech and had to say it in front of her class. I could never do that at her age. She makes me so proud of her for willingness to put her self out there.

Today is a day that embarked my journey into Mommyhood for that I am so blessed. Faith has made her name to the meaning for sure it fits her so perfect in every way.

Happy Birthday Sweet FAITHIE...

Getting through the Storm

Ugh... The Storm who wants to being going through that? We live this life hoping to never go through one or even experience it. Why would we right?

Now why do we do that? Want to live this life with no pains or misery when we know God has the ultimate plan for our lives. I mean if you are a Christ Follower you Trust Him. Yet when you are in the Storm you ask to get out or never go through it. We are only Human that's why! When we pray we  ask for blessings and healing, and in our case the boys not leaving our home.

With our adoption process being the craziest storm we have gone through in one year I can look at that and say someone has had it worse. God brought us to our storm which was different then someone else. Yet when you're going through yours you think there is no possible way it can be worse than what I am going through. So how do we know that when you pray or ask for blessing for someone they have to go through a storm to be blessed. I know with what our family has been through it would be like we are scarred for life and would be in a black hole. I actually talked with our adoption worker and she said "Our cases have been the craziest cases they have ever gone through". Even they didn't know how to handle it. I am not saying that you are a bad person if you don't pray and ask to go through a storm, just know we aren't exempt to go through one. Now you may live this life and never experience any type of storm. Yet for me it is hard to believe and you should be kind of worried if God never brought you to one. God boasted about how we come to him when everything says we shouldn't.
 
Beth Moore once said

 "God doesn't Lie so his boast are always based on truth. He permits and sometimes dictates difficulty for those in whom He boast so that they will PROVE what he already knows is true. The Lord does not put us to the test that He knows in advance we don't have the wherewithal to pass. How we ever know what he's accomplished in us if he doesn't show us? And how will Satan otherwise be proved a liar in our eyes?."

In your life what ever you go through or may even be going through make Satan a Liar and God be the truth. WE can choose how we react through our storms. I choose to get out of bed and be the wife and Mommy to my little girls. I choose JOY. Trust me I have bad days I also know God gave us tears and I use them.. Trust me. I am just trying to say I have been there and when you are at the bottom of that black hole God is on top with his hand coming down to lift you out, because he was sitting right there when you fell in and never left and won't!!! Just allow him to grab your hand and bring you out because if you don't he can't get you out. I am Hopeful for what is ahead for our Family and the little ones God is preparing for us.

Being Thankful...

    Being Thankful is something we can all struggle with. I know my self that I can get caught up with focusing on what I don't have rather than what I do have. We live in era that tells you, You can only be happy with fulling every desire or want you have. When really we should be centered on what God has Blessed your Life with already.  

This morning I was reading a blog in how as Christians do we really take the time to say, Thank you. Right now in the midst of our lives I can say "Thank you God for my blessings in my life. I know from the outside it might not look like you would call it a blessing, but it is from God.

If we took the time out of our day to embrace what we have, rather than what we don't. The joy won't be robbed of what is really good. When was the last time a blessing or gift, not a tangible gift. A gift from God to you came and went and you weren't thankful.

For me, is the Boys they were a gift to our lives and for that I am Thankful. Even when you don't think it's a gift, Gifts are from God and we need to remember that they can be gone in a blink of an eye. What is here today can be gone tomorrow, I can attest to that.   Try to through out your day to thank God for your blessings or the gifts from him. The soft warm cheeks you get to kiss to the ones who call you Mommy. The warm bed you get to sleep in at night, the way the sunset and made you smile. These are just all examples everyone has something they can be Thankful for even if you feel like you have nothing.

Don't let the I wish or I want or I don't have get in the way of the the real blessings in your life.

 Thessalonians 5:18

  Be Thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Getting through the storm.

 Today has been one week since the boys have been gone. By far the weirdest week to adjust to.  This morning I decided to change my blog pictures and profile for the story of our lives have changed. We are still in this journey to adoption and pray for what God has in store for our family.

I also wanted to change the pictures because the boys are now part of a different family and doing life there. So although they will always be apart of our family and story I just felt like it was the right thing to do.

Today I pray for the ones that will be in the boys lives now and taking care of them. God delivered me from my cold heart towards them I want to pray over them that they find Jesus and do right by the boys.  Sometimes in this life you will feel like you have been given the biggest storm of your lives and you can't get through them but allow God to work through you.

Gods love is always the same never changing even in the storm. God knew this whole time how this was going to play out and he would be right there to hold our hands through it. Don't hold grudges against something you can not change instead embrace in how you will handle it.

Psalms 55:22
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will not let the righteous fall.

Pictures say a thousand words

       This will remain the same. They will always be  blessings that were put into our lives...

              3 came from my belly and 2 from my heart even though they aren't here they will forever

              be apart of us.

   Proverbs 22:6

              Train a child in the way he should go, and when they are old they will not turn from it.

Avoiding Home and being very Honest..

 Home is the safest most relaxing place and it is usually where you want to be. I can't say this to be true for my self right now.
I know when I said in my last post after the boys were gone we came inside and prayed and cried. What I didn't say is after that we grabbed our shoes and were in the car to be away because I told Ty I couldn't be home after that all happened. Sure you could say I didn't face the problem would anybody?
 No one knows how they will act in a situation until they are in it, that day I handed over my two boys. People say they aren't your boys they are God's boys I also believe that, for that time they were with me though they were my boys. No Mom can be prepared to say goodbye to her children. Yes I know they are still here and not passed but it almost hurts worst. I can't say they are in a better place because I have no clue, I don't know at all what they are doing. From the look of it after talking to my county worker we probably won't know. That completely tears me apart. I went from everyday knowing their schedule how Tyler liked to be put to sleep with praying with him and how he woke up in the morning wanting to cuddle in my bed. How Trent has to be put to sleep with his binkie and a blanket over his eyes, otherwise he won't sleep. Now I have no clue what they are doing.
I went from having 5 kids to 3 overnight that is a shock in itself. This past weekend when we were away we spent time together and I think we were all in shock because I couldn't even cry. When we were somewhere I would always want to count the kids but I when I did I realized it was my habit.

This morning was especially hard waking up in this house and knowing I won't be feeding the baby and changing him and making an extra bowl of cereal. The girls are doing ok I think telling them what could happen early on kind of prepared them as best as it could. Ty and I were ready for the worst but when it happened we were in shock. The words from my little Lola that she will never see her baby brother again crushed me.

 Were going to get through this this is just so hard to grasp it is so not even easy to accept. In one year we have lost 3 boys! to our judicial system I don't get it nor will I try to.

                                                      This was our very last picture together.

I have come to learn why this is why there is so many children in foster homes because of what our family is experiencing at this moment.  It scares people to think that children they are going to love and bring into the home will go back to what they came from.  Because I mean when someone says they want to adopt that means they are not wanting them to be going away that is why people foster because they know that is part of it. You think well isn't that what you guys did. Yes we did and it happened to us again..
This is all part of being part of a fallen world and learning what comes with that. God doesn't promise us this life will be perfect. He asks us to do things for the glory for him even if it takes our breath away.

Reality Of the road to Adoption..

In a state of shock..... I can't believe they are gone it truly feels like a dream. You have someone with you then you have to say goodbye. I mean we were ready for adoption status, so was every other social worker so this was so not what we expected.  Our last two days with the boys they were HARD, I won't lie. Tyler called me from court and the words were "they are going back Saturday", I was speechless I didn't even cry it was like I already knew. I dropped to my knees and begged God to change it. NO Judge in their right mind would allow these boys to go to a family members home where the mother could still be there even though she is still using!!!!!!!!!!! You think wow too honest??? Well I am being very real about the situation so you may not like what you hear . Our boys blended in with our family Tyler overcame so much and Trent did well getting him through his drug withdrawals that was hard and emotional.  They both thrived living here with what a family should be based off of love, consistency, uplifting God at the center. Yet our Judicial system thinks otherwise, that Judge that day said "Bonding with these boys for 9 months means nothing to me ANYONE could have done that. Are you kidding me???!!! This man who gets to rule what is about to happen with our boys has no IDEA what our family just went through to get them where they are at but ANYONE  could do it. Then I knew how this would happen.. We have no chance because to this system we are just glorified babysitters!!!! BUT NOT TO GOD!!!! He saw the whole thing and he knew our hearts and knows how much we love his boys Tyler and Trent.

I sat down with the kids and as best as I could I had to say these words, "You guys I am so sorry, while sobbing but Tyler and Trent have to move.. DONE!! I was done hearing them all cry and Tyler looking at me in my eyes and saying. "Mommy I don't want to leave". Killed everything inside me. He got up and ran back to his room. So I followed him and  sat on the floor and I held him so tight and we both hugged and we cried. I told him, how much we love him and if we had our way he would not be leaving. That we wanted nothing but for him to be part of our family. We both got a grip and I Looked him straight in the face and said " No one can tell us that we aren't a family because we are, God put us together so we could be apart of you and your brother even if we don't see you".  

After that I realized it not seeing them. We won't ever see them again that is the toughest thing to grasp.

There wasn't ever enough comfort with the Mom and the person who is getting them to allow us to see them ever again. 

The day before they left we decided to let everyone who was apart of the boys life to come by. What emotional day, We are so blessed everyone came by and gave their love to us and the boys. Tyler was given a bible and I had everyone sign it and I taped pictures of family and friends in it. That day God truly showed us how much our family was loved and supported. I know everyone couldn't come.

 So we got through that day then it was the day of....

That was the hardest and longest day ever! We all knew this day meant it would be the last to see the boys ever again. So we just treated it as any other day having breakfast together, lunch and playing. Tyler's buddies (aka the neighbor boys) came over to play as they to, they didn't want to leave his side and  didn't want to see him go. Then she was here our county worker the one who fought so hard to have our boys stay with us. We all looked at each other and the tears came. I kissed on Trent and so did everyone else. I put him in the car seat and it was the same exact county car seat I had to put Elijah in...  I lost it it brought too much of old memories because I knew what this felt like. All the girls and Tyler hugged as they said they loved each other. Then I picked him up and held him so tight and smelled him for the last time. I told him "Jesus is always in your heart and you are a good boy and you don't let anyone tell you different". He said  "Mommy I love you and I will miss you". He hugged his daddy as they both cried and Little Tyler told his Daddy " I will never forget you". I had Tyler go inside and get my perfume and I sprayed it with perfume so he wouldn't forget my smell.

Then they were off we all came inside sobbing and hugged together and we grabbed hands and prayed. Prayed for the boys and there new life and thanked God for allowing them into our home.

We will get through this for we know know down to the deepest of our core that God doesn't make any mistakes.

Please don't forget our boys and continue to pray for them as they are going to live a hard life.

We our overwhelmed with the Love and support from Family ad frniends and we are so blessed for that. 

Our journey is no where over so please follow us and see what is happening. I am going to be blogging a lot so you can see what they took with them as they left.

Galatians 6 9:10

So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if  we don't give up. Therefore, whenever we have opportunity, we should do good to everyone.

VERY SAD NEWS TODAY

                                                  HURTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  So you're probably wondering? The boys are going back.....................

I can't even write about it. I just wanted to invite anyone who invested in the boys life to our house  tomorrow to say good bye and to pray over them. Little Tyler is having the hardest time and wants to see everyone he said. So please come by for as hard as it will be and pour out love to these 2 little boys.

I will blog the story of today later.....
                                                          

Waiting.......

So it's the day before our big day. I know all of you that have followed our family know we thought we were in this position 2 1/2 weeks ago. It got put back til tomorrow so tomorrow is the day. These 2 1/2 weeks have been filled with precious moments and family memories.. We all went on a week long vacation to the beach and enjoyed each other.

But don't think that it wasn't on my mind what was coming up. We are all ok and all the kids know what tomorrow is. There sweet little faces filled with uncertainty they truly have just been treating the days like any other and for that I am grateful.

                                                                        Jeremiah 29:11

So tonight with your family please pray over ours as we find out what God has planned for us. That the hearts tomorrow that will be broken either way, that they will be healed.

What if we understood down to the marrow of our bones that His is the only plan that really does end up prospering us?  -Beth Moore

July 18th Forever Changed....

It seems like just yesterday we went through the motions.The motions of Elijah leaving..

WOW it was a hard day but I can say we have been forever changed. God showed us some mighty things. He was preparing our hearts for what was ahead. What we are going through now is definitely not easy but we are going to get through it. We were so new to the process and didn't even know what to expect. I know from other people Elijah is doing well and that means so much for us.

We know nothing is a guarantee and even if we think no one is watching what we are doing with these children. The one most important one see's God! He see's it all he see's us caring for those orphans and living the mission. We aren't perfect but being perfected through Christ.

This day we won't mourn but be glad in him that he chose us to take care of that little precious Elijah.

Trust me at the time of all of this I couldn't see it this way but God's mercy is abundant. Even if we feel like we are going to loose it he is right there holding on.

But here is the kicker you have to allow him to hold on. You can't get through it with out him.

Our family is going through some big changes and will continue to be. God knows our hearts and we have treasures waiting for us. Even if it's

is not where we think they are.

Matthew 6:21

For where your treasure is,there is your heart also.

  

In that Moment...

 

Today was the hardest day yet we thought we were facing. We woke up prepared as we ever were. I woke up with knots and Tyler silent this morning.

The kids oh they are just kids and so innocent they knew what today was yet they could carry on and be themselves. Laughing and running around at 6:30 mind you. I so admired them they truly showed me 

to relax and just breathe.

We said goodbyes and I wanted my kisses to the boys to be like any other time I kiss them and just think

I will see them when we get back and cuddle them and not think of anything else. So we were off the longest drive in the world neither Ty and I having much to say respecting each others mood.

Were here that place..That place that so reminds you of what is really about to happen and the things around that you see that breaks your heart. At this time I am in line and praying God be with me and please let me be the light and not take in the bitterness surrounding me.

We felt like we had been sitting for hours and then it was our turn. I walked with Ty taking my deep breathe saying "Ok God your in control and always have been".

We sit down and I am holding Ty's hand as tight as I can then in 2 minutes we hear continued to a couple of weeks. What?? Don't get me wrong that is great it is more time with the boys if anything goes different. But we were ready and wanted to know what was going to happen.

So Today I am Thankful

I am Thankful that they are with us and safe. I am thankful that we get to have our boys with us on a very special time the BEACH HOUSE. If you know our family then you know we do it every year for a week and last year 5 days before Elijah was sent right before. 

 We have to go through this again August 2 and there will be a decision made.

We are Hopeful and so scared at the same time. Seeing what your children could potentially be going to is hard especially when you know its not safe. I am not Judging I am having discernment if any Mother saw what I saw today you would not even question. 

So from the bottom of my heart I truly appreciate you who follows our blog and prays with our family.

Also pray for the others involved that they find Jesus. 

  

Then came the trying time.

 So I just got done writing how I am finding Joy this week and to be honest I was doing so well. Then I got some news I was not expecting. It took my breathe away and didn't even really have much to say still in shock. It has do with our case I just don't think I should say what it is, it did make this all to real the thought of loosing them. I will tell you what it caused us to have to do.

After Ty and I talked about it we both decided it was time to tell the kids what is going on. So I am being so honest and real with our journey I will you tell you this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Tell your son that he can potentially be moving to another house and you will no longer see him. WELL I CRIED!!!! I tried so hard to be strong. How do you look in the face of little boy who is a part of your family. He had no reaction can you blame him all the things he has been through he doesn't know what is permanent or not. We assured him everything will be ok and that we will know more Friday we also left him with tools to apply with if he goes. Meaning what is right from wrong and to know if something is going wrong to tell someone. The most important thing we said is "Buddy, Jesus will be with you always and he loves you very much."

 So after that as we gathered ourselves together and was dreading the next thing telling our girls. I mean really I just had to do this 1 year ago that there little bubba Elijah was leaving, now this. So we did we told them everything exactly and did it crying. They both in tears them both knowing that is was never permanent until the Judge says so but to prepare their little hearts of the potential. Then the comment came from my sweet Averee that ripped our hearts out. She is crying mind you while saying this" Why do other people get to keep there babies and we don't? " I'm done I thought at that moment.. I told her Honey we don't know why and we have to know that we are doing what God has asked us to.
I mean these little girls are learning so much at a young age of selfless faith, love and servant hood. I don't really ever brag but on this occasion I have to. I told them I am so proud of you girls you have shown Mommy and Daddy so much of loving and acceptance they took in these boys from day one and treated them with a pure heart. My girls know that their little brothers could be leaving but they still trust God at ages 6 and 9. You want to know what Averee was concerned with? If Tyler would still love Jesus if he goes and if the person who gets him knows who Jesus is?? My daughter at 6 is worried about that, not if she will see him again but if he will continue his life with God in it.

So there you go in a nutshell of a day we have had we prayed after all of it and still say God we loved you before and will still after. We will grieve if need be but this isn't over until we know it's over.

I am Thankful for this week...

If you have been following my blog you know what this week is.

Friday is the day we have court for our adoption process.It has been a process that is for sure. I never thought we would be faced with this kind of week at all. But with this process anything can happen. 

I have a hope and peace this week believe it or not. I am not stressful or crying all the time I am finding what to be Thankful for and Joy within my days. I am so Thankful for having these boys in our home and lives and that we have been able to bring them into a loving Christ centered home. I find Joy when I get to experience things with them and get to see them smile. I am Thankful for the Love and acceptance it has taught my children through this journey. They will forever be changed and we will be also.

I have learned so much about myself along the way how much I rely on God and how he gives me a peace in hope through it all.

Your probably thinking how can you even be going through it ok? We are and we do it with being selfless because we don't know God's ultimate plan. If his ultimate plan is for them to go back then we have to know that is his plan. If they stay with us that is part of his plan well it's not over.

We will take in these two lives and and be a servant to their well being.We are still servants if they go. 

We have a Hope for our future just like we do the boys. God has showed us so many things along the way. Our family is going to be going through some big changes and we are excited and relying on God's direction.

This week I wake up and say Thank you God for that one more day with them. That is one more day to love and cherish them.

In your most trying times in life give it to God and don't worry because worrying tells God he isn't big enough to handle it. Don't get me wrong I will cry if goes a certain way I am human and have tears for a reason but I will not question it, because it isn't my right to ask why? I have learned that through are last journey.

 

Still in Love...

 

 Yesterday was our 11 year anniversary. Very crazy to me considering I come from a divorced family. I have never really had a model of marriage or even seen them last in my family.

Tyler and I have been together since we were 16 and have been through a lot in all these years. We married at 19 years old me 3 weeks out of high school. Tyler 2 years out of high school and working a full time job. Tyler and I got a lot of flack from people not being together before our wedding night.Ty and I both waited til we were married neither of us being with anyone before. That is something we hold with pride it doesn't make us better than anyone it is just what we knew was right. I was taking marriage counseling the same time I was planning high school activities. At the beginning of our marriage we were still becoming adults while trying to be husband and wife and that is a transition.

I have learned so many things being married to Ty and have grown so much. He would say my cooking is 100 times better.. I can tell one thing about our marriage and how it has been able to be at the stage it is today.  From day one it has been Christ centered. Marriage is hard work and if you want a good one you have to work hard at it. My husband is an amazing Man and has grown in so many ways. I too have also grown and the best part of it is we have grown together.

 

 

 We have never been to proud to say we have had rough times because nothing is perfect.We have been through some hard things but we see the light and come through it together. Marriage is hard work and if you want a good one you have to work at it. Being with someone at such a young age and going through life with them you get to watch them grow. If you could see us at 19 being married, boy we had no clue. Tyler loves me more than I can ask and I am so grateful to God for putting him in my life. I am still in love with that guy with the mo hawk and so blessed to be his wife. I don't take our marriage for granted.

 Being in Love with each other 11 years later and even more. He is still my #1 guy.

 

 

 God created marriage. No government subcommittee envisioned it. No social organization developed it. Marriage was conceived and born in the mind of God.”  ~ Max Lucado

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you Comfortable??

Being comfortable, not comfortable like on a couch relaxing comfortable. Is your life comfortable?

I mean do you step out if your life is comfortable? Where you live, what kind of job you have how far do you go out?

 This is a question I wonder for so many reasons does being comfortable allow God to work in our lives.Getting out of your comfort zone and he will work. I never have been someone who has done well with being comfortable, meaning I don't grow. God calls everyone to something it is just if your willing to not be comfortable anymore. That includes how many different changes have gone in your life that you didn't plan for? Right here!! My hand is raised!!! Our lives have changed big time and it is for the better. Even after everything we are enduring at this moment. I want to allow God to work in us even if that means we get uncomfortable.

Step out and allow God to get you out of that safe zone because he will use you. He doesn't call you let you fail. Just because we have our lives one way, does not mean that is in his way.

HARDEST PART OF ADOPTION

This Month would have been the month we would have started our adoption process. Its so hard to grasp that things could have been so different for our Family. I have been so raw and honest with everything that this has got to be the hardest month of all. Knowing it's national Adoption month doesn't help as much as I know it is the most greatest blessing for these children who we know and love very much. Doesn't subside that we have a loss. To see where I was emotionally during this blog I wrote when I found out they could be going. Knowing the boys could be leaving and not fathoming it at all. Typing and crying at the same time because this blog became our reality they are gone. So I thought I would share the blog again. I am human with trying to comfort my heart with God's promises and It's a struggle. At that time I guess I truly  believed  they wouldn't be going and I was so wrong. This is my testament to true Selfless Faith. So yes I struggle my blogging is my outlet and God will see us through.





I have been so honest during our journey to adoption. So much that you guys know the good and the bad. With foster adoption there is no guarantee even though you are called with a case that sounds promising.

 So here it goes, last week on our way to vacation I received an email with the words of "approval" that's right. The family member was approved. The person we were hoping get approved was. I was shocked I truly didn't think it would happen. I thought we had enough reasons that it wouldn't. So let me just tell you being stuck in traffic for 4 hours with this news was not fun at all. I had to truly hold it in so the kids wouldn't wonder what was wrong with me and start to pray.

 I don't want to say it or share it because that just makes it more real for me. But its the the one thing we did not want to have to go through again. My boys could be leaving in 14 days. Gone where I will never see them again to someone they do not even know. If you have kept up with us on our journey you know that this same exact time last year we lost our Little Elijah. Same exact time can you believe that? I can't it is so weird and hard. I truly know the word trial because we are facing it. We have to know that the boys we have so cherished and cared and loved for and taken in as our own could potentially not be here. That is hard to grasp.

So here it is, We are a testament to Jesus Christ!!!! He will see us through it with out him we would not be able to do it.He is going to get us through the hardest or the best times. We know he is a ever loving God and how ever it works out he is there. If we say we are Christians than we have to attest to it. If that means that we love the orphans and they go or if they stay we have to know we did what we were called to do.

   With getting the email and feeling like my world was caving in and stuck in the hottest part of the desert. I hear a sweet voice from the back of the car and  her not knowing what I just had found out. She says" Mommy look what that sign says"TRUST JESUS" It was clear as day right their on a power pole in the middle of no where. A yellow sign with red letters that made me cry even more because I knew in that moment that God was there. He wanted me to see it at that time.

So I would please ask that you keep our family in your prayers.

JULY 13th is going to be a very hard day. This is the day we can be saying goodbye to our boys or continuing our journey to adopting them. If you are a Mother than you know the feeling of you never wanting to loose your children.  Knowing that I will have someone decide that for me is going to be rough.

Last year on July 18th we lost Elijah. It is kind of hard to know that these two dates are so close together. These 2 little boys do not deserve to go through what they are going through and we are going to do all we can to keep them safe. So please keep them in your prayers that they will stay safe in all of this.

July 13th will mark 8 months since they have been with us. We have had the hardest and best times during it also. I am thankful for everyone who has invested in our family and supported us along the way. The boys will not know or our children til that day we feel that is best for them. So all these little people involved lift them up in your prayers as they don't understand what is going on.

         Psalms 55:22
      Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you;
     he will never let the righteous fall.

A Great Man..

Fathers Day....

   This whole day has a lot of meaning to it for me. I have a Dad that I treasure and a Father in Law who is a Great role model. Then there is my Husband who has truly modeled what a Daddy is and he is a Great Man.

 

I always write my Blogs about our kids or the struggles I deal with or our adoption journey. But today I wanted to share about Tyler. He is so behind the scenes and I don't think he would mind me sharing about him.

  He has taken his role as Father true to fact. His passion for kids is deniable but his willingness to always set aside his time for them is amazing to me.He is a true example of Christ and our kids can see that there Daddy is a Godly man. The kids always look forward to when he comes home and they know he will play. He never forgets to tell his girls how beautiful they are or hug them so much they run away because they can't breathe. He is teaching little Tyler to be a gentleman and that he has three ladies that he needs to respect and to know they are precious. So now Little Tyler will say "Mommy the girls can go first because I am a gentleman and Daddy teaches me that" 

The biggest compliment I can give my husband is he is CONSISTENT he is truly always the same. No he is not perfect nor am I by far!! But I do relish on the fact that he is always the same with me. Our kids get to see How much he loves there Mommy and how much I love there Daddy. 

 

 Tyler is the definition of CO-PARENT any of you who know us  know that is true. He helps me more 

  than I could ask for. He makes being Mommy of 5 so easy and I say easy lightly because if you have a lot of children it is never easy in all sort of categories but it having a partner like Ty he is the reason it is worth it.

        I am so blessed that God chose Tyler for me and to be the Father to our children I couldn't of asked for a Better Man. He does the best thing and that is making our kids laugh he is the funniest Dad and that is the best thing for me to hear is when they are laughing at there Daddy.

Lola turns 3

Three years ago today I delivered a 6 pound 6 ounces little girl at Ucla.

I was such in shock and couldn't believe I was a Mommy of three. The whole time I was pregnant I would say I just want her to look like me. Lola just needs to look like me because Faith and Averee really didn't.

So what do you know that happened I have a Mini me. She looks just like me. Lola is such a joy and brightens everyone's day. This morning she was grumpy and said "She didn't want to be three" but she sure did love opening her gifts. Today was a fun day with her and making her feel special. Lola is such a blessing and continues to bless us everyday. Her mind is always thinking and she say's the funniest things ever. I can't believe my baby girl is 3. She is getting bigger by the day.Thank you God for blessing us with Lola.

                Happy Birthday Lola..................

Wedenesdays are rough..

  So this day is hard for me they are never easy and they don't settle well at all.

The morning is rough and he acts differently it's like this day over comes him also.

This day is visit day.
 Visit day with her the only person he has ever known to be safe to him. Would I call it safe absolutely not. It is all he knows though. So this day can never settle well in my heart. I didn't want to write this post because then I have to share my issues and say what my struggle in sin is.

It's extending Grace to her.
 Why should I be nice to her I know what has happened in the past and I know how things have happened. I have struggled with going and taking them. 

So I haven't.

I have made every excuse in the book to go and face her. Because if I do I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to keep from saying something that I shouldn't.

Well yesterday was the day that I had dreaded I had to take them. I already could already tell I was 

feeling anxiety over it.
 So I had to give it to God.

In that I realized God extended Grace on my life that I am not even worthy of. But he thinks I am.

Growing up the way I did I could of ended up like her. I am no different.

God's Grace is what saved me.
 His Grace is free and I choose Grace.

Shame on me for not showing Grace to her when I should of.

I prayed right when I picked them up that I could be a light and not show darkness.
Because I might be the only Light she might see.
Yesterday showed me that I am no different except for the fact that I chose Grace.
Some people don't even when it is given freely.
If we lived in a world where Grace was given our hearts would be less hardened.

2 Corinthians 12:9
 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

It is his by Grace that I can truly put my issues aside and be the Light. The world would see it different but that's when I had to remember that I am different.
I love differently because it is only through him that I can.