Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Avoiding Home and being very Honest..
Home is the safest most relaxing place and it is usually where you want to be. I can't say this to be true for my self right now.
I know when I said in my last post after the boys were gone we came inside and prayed and cried. What I didn't say is after that we grabbed our shoes and were in the car to be away because I told Ty I couldn't be home after that all happened. Sure you could say I didn't face the problem would anybody?
No one knows how they will act in a situation until they are in it, that day I handed over my two boys. People say they aren't your boys they are God's boys I also believe that, for that time they were with me though they were my boys. No Mom can be prepared to say goodbye to her children. Yes I know they are still here and not passed but it almost hurts worst. I can't say they are in a better place because I have no clue, I don't know at all what they are doing. From the look of it after talking to my county worker we probably won't know. That completely tears me apart. I went from everyday knowing their schedule how Tyler liked to be put to sleep with praying with him and how he woke up in the morning wanting to cuddle in my bed. How Trent has to be put to sleep with his binkie and a blanket over his eyes, otherwise he won't sleep. Now I have no clue what they are doing.
I went from having 5 kids to 3 overnight that is a shock in itself. This past weekend when we were away we spent time together and I think we were all in shock because I couldn't even cry. When we were somewhere I would always want to count the kids but I when I did I realized it was my habit.
This morning was especially hard waking up in this house and knowing I won't be feeding the baby and changing him and making an extra bowl of cereal. The girls are doing ok I think telling them what could happen early on kind of prepared them as best as it could. Ty and I were ready for the worst but when it happened we were in shock. The words from my little Lola that she will never see her baby brother again crushed me.
Were going to get through this this is just so hard to grasp it is so not even easy to accept. In one year we have lost 3 boys! to our judicial system I don't get it nor will I try to.
This was our very last picture together.
This is all part of being part of a fallen world and learning what comes with that. God doesn't promise us this life will be perfect. He asks us to do things for the glory for him even if it takes our breath away.