Friday, November 16, 2012

The Enenmy will Prey on a Broken and healing heart.

So this month is especially hard for me as its National Adoption Month which we would have been finalizing this month with the boys. But this month we are big advocates of because we know and love a couple of special children who are no longer orphans because of there selfless parents and for that I am blessed to have been a part of and can't wait to be apart of Adoption Month one day.

 This is why its hard. I am struggling so my heart is vulnerable I can see and feel how the enemy can prey on it. Sometimes during this process something can trigger it for me or I wake up with a angry feeling. Like this morning I woke up with a aery feeling and was not feeling like my self and my post was going to be different. As I  was typing I felt as God was trying to tell me to not let the enemy in because I can't not move forward with a clean heart if I do. I don't think I have really ever shared my past issue with depression and anxiety it's very hard to admit. People close to me know I have struggled with it. I was 20 with my first episode of anxiety and then turned into depression I couldn't leave my house for a month. I laid on the couch everyday with fear and no emotion. Tyler helpless because he didn't know how to help me did everything possible to help me feel better. Than I found out I was pregnant with Faith and thank God it subsided. Year and half later we bought a new house Faith was a year and half same thing I went into the depression and anxiety attacks. I didn't leave my house eat and I couldn't even be a Mom to Faithe which remembering brings me to tears. I lost a lot of weight and was very weak. Our dear friends Steve and Regina knew my struggle and they came over and asked if they could sing me a song with their guitar  I can't remember the song but it truly saved me at that time. There wasn't one dry eye in that room and it was like they were saying to the enemy leave Michelle's heart and God take over. I became better for a while finding out I was pregnant with Averee I did fine Until a couple years later when Averee and Faith were 5 and 2. I got very depressed and had bad anxiety I even missed Averee's birthday party laying in bed telling everyone I was sick because I couldn't get out of bed. I actually am so shamed to say it I can't believe that it happened. So then I realized I had to get help I did try medicine and it made me feel worse. It does work for some people for me it didn't that isnt saying its not good just that for me I had to do something different. I went and got help I saw a christian therapist and she help me change my life. She help me to deal with scarring childhood experiences that I never wanted to remember and deal with. At 26 years old it came out and I delt with my demons I forgave my past and all I had to experience and told her things I hadn't even told Tyler. Things that happened that no child should go through. I got help and it forever changed my life I gave it to God and I felt no more burden from it. I don't know why this morning was the morning to share this but it was all God. This morning was the first morning I felt like I did 6 years ago and almost felt like it could take over. Than I prayed and talked to him and he truly took it away that horrible feeling and I know he is guarding my heart and I will not go there. If you feel like you are in the most blackest place in your life he will get you out but you have to give it to him. Give him your struggles and your hurt because he wants to take it from you. Satan knows I am vulnerable right now and I wont give that to him. I know God is guarding my heart. Depression and anxiety is one of the worst things  person can deal with. Don't let the enemy feed off of it. I am a testament that God does heal all wounds.  Get help if your struggling it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Please listen to this song.I know I put songs on my blogs but worshiping is one of my most inanimate times with God. Music has truly help me along the way. This song says a lot for me.                         

1 Peter 5:7
 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 comment:

  1. I am proud of you for your honesty Michelle. I am aware that this day is difficult for you. God has your family in the palm of his hand, the same place He holds Tyler and Trent. You have come so far since those dark dreary days! God has given you an amazing husband to walk alongside you as well. Don't ever take that for granted!