Braving your " New Normal "

What does "Braving your New Normal" look like? So many things can top the list for so many. It just isn't narrowed to one certain thing. Lately it has had me thinking after talks with friends and a

New year starting what it looks like for so many of you. Nobody can define what Normal really  is because it is different to everyone.

 What my Normal looks like Trust me, probably doesn't want to be someones  normal..aka 6 kids. I want to say I admire so many of you who choose to be BRAVE to your "NEW NORMAL" or even your normal because that's the way its always been. Keep on being BRAVE my friends because their is a GOD who makes you BRAVE and gives you that strength when you think you just can't.

I think of a dear friend what her "Braving New Normal" looks like, 

 Her's is becoming a widow and so many strengths she has had to have with that. She now has to handle life differently not only for herself but now for her children.

She tells me "she gets tired of putting on a face and it is just plain hard sometimes".
 Yet she doesn't see how her story and how she handles to see herself impacts so many.

 She chooses to get up and out of bed to take on the day. To take on the day, none the less, with a smile on her face "always." I could promise you that she would never wish anyone having to "Brave that kind of  "Normal."

My heart aches for her yet I look into her eyes and she my friends is one BRAVE woman. She chooses to Brave the "New Normal" even though it is tough. I am so thankful for all she has taught me over the years. She has taught me more about Bravery than she knows.
And God keeps placing her into my life, and friends that is no mistake!

.www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi-VMxT6fc

This song gets me every time... I remember hearing it after losing my Grandma and it spoke volumes to me. Hope you can take the time to listen to it.

"Braving the New Normal" for another sweet friend comes in the form in a 6 letter word no one wants to hear. She is wife, mother, friend and her "New Normal"  will start looking a whole lot different. She tells me "I am scared what my New Normal will be like" She also is one 

 BRAVE woman.  She too doesn't realize how her Bravery has impacted so many.
  She Braves the day knowing there is a long road ahead of her, and she TRUST in the one who calls her "Daughter". 

 My "New Normal" looks a lot different than it did from a year ago. I am now am limiting what I do and take on. I never really experienced being overwhelmed like I do now. I now set boundaries and  I didn't before. I am not able to do all the  things I did before.  I admittedly now say "NO I am not able to do that", rather than say "YES I can do it all". With "Braving your New Normal" it is very hard to not go back to what it used to be like, good and bad. All circumstances lead us to our "New Normals"

Sometimes we don't want to accept our "New Normals" because we thought  how our lives were before was just fine, but not always. Some cases we are ready to begin the "New Normal" because the past was a hard road.

We have to truly believe down to the core, that God has this
 "New Normal" down to the core and it all works according to his plan.

My family had a small taste of what our "New Normal" could of been like away from our family
and something never settled right for us. I had long talks with people who I respect to speak truth into my life about wanting to move back home. Some agreed some didn't but that is ok. God knew our hearts the whole time and he opened a door for us to be back home. But here is the thing, it is a "New Normal" to us being back home. Because things aren't the way they were when we left, so many  different changes already but that is only growing our family.
       
So what does "Braving your New Normal look like?  And the ones who you have around you or see "Braving" it let them know, encouragement goes a long way.

It's their "Gotcha" day...

One year ago today our lives were forever changed... Our three year long journey ended with the adoption of our three boys. Nothing could ever quite explain that day, community, love, family, support was  shown.
But not only were we celebrating the adoption, that is the day we chose to try a new adventure and moved to Arizona. What a year this has been for our family, nothing but growth that's for sure. This day is a proof of God's unfailing love. Adoption is HARD my friends but this day is a reminder that it is amazing and worth it even in the really hard times.
These are the pictures I received on January 10th, 2103 from my social worker saying there were 3 who had just turn 1, 2 and 3 who were brothers who needed to be adopted together. That they were having a hard time placing them all in one home. Couldn't imagine if we didn't say "yes".

Courage...

 Courage is not the absence of fear,
 but rather the assessment that
something else is more important
than fear.
Frankilin D. Roosevelt

First off I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who reached out after my last blog post. I didn't even realize how people I know or don't know who also struggle.

Last year was a whirlwind as you know for all who follow. Last year at this time I sat with a friend who ask what my word would be for the upcoming year well it was adventure. What an adventure last year was. Going through a really dark place and coming out of it made me think of my word this year... What would it be?? Then it came to me, Courage would be it. So many things have already happened that I have had to have Courage to do or even accomplish. Without having the courage it wouldn't of been done. Some of my courage has been coming in the form of saying No... I am such a people pleaser and doer I want to say yes. But it is taking me to say No that make me courage's. I was going to do a speaking engagement for a big group of Moms in February I was sooo excited to do it and to share our story and journey. But as I sat and really thought about it right now I am not in a place to do that. Having to tell the coordinator I would have to decline and say no was very hard for me. She was so encouraging and understood, my heart said yes over and over but I knew saying No was the best thing. Then it brought me to think how many other people out there don't have the courage to say no or even yes? I think of the Mom who puts her self last because her family becomes first. Because the courage to get there to say" I need to take care of myself first" isn't very strong. If  I have learned anything its when we put ourselves last no body can really have the best of us. I encourage that Mom out there to take care of her self first. Now coming first doesn't mean neglectful it means Mom's mental and physical needs to come first however it needs to. It doesn't make you a Bad Mom it makes you a better one. Trust me I speak from experience, never putting my mental health first got me to hit the floor.  Having the courage to let the people around you know you aren't ok and you are tired of pretending you are.
Your courage might look different in forgiving someone who really has done you wrong but you can't even begin to scrape up the courage to forgive them. The courage to saying yes to something God has been calling you to do.  Yet you put  that calling  on the back burner because you are scared of what it would cost you. The courage to say No I can't do it all. Yet we all have that fear of something that prevents us to what we are really capable of doing.
If you would of ask me 3 months ago I had nothing not one ounce of Courage. Fear came  in my life like a dark black cloud I couldn't escape. Having the courage to come out of that darkness is brings me to tears because I never thought it would happen. But here is the thing all our courage looks different. Yet we all have to have the courage to take on this life God has given us. All our life stories are different but we all have Courage you just have to use it. I need all the courage from the out most loving God who gives it. Mothering 6 kids is by far the  hardest thing I have ever done and need so much courage during my day. If I can be any encouragement is to acknowledge your fears and practice courage everyday.

Be strong and courages...
for the Lord your God will be with you
wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

Darkest Place.

Behind that smile is a Mom hanging on not knowing what is going on inside her. Driving  home with her children a overwhelming sense of fear comes over her. Her heart starts racing and she is paralyzed with panic.  This starts to come a recurrence and doing things becomes harder and harder for her. Yet if you would look at her from the outside she looks perfectly fine. Yet inside she is struggling mentally. My life definitely changed 2 months ago going from being social and being apart of everything and doing it all. I had a panic attack that lasted 12 hours and if you have never experienced one I am so thankful for you to not have. It is one of the worst things to experience. From there on it made me fearful to do anything... I couldn't eat, the thought of being alone with my children made me so scared. I felt like this would never go away and I was trapped. My Mom came to stay with us during the weeks to take my kids to school and to be home with me. I could never say I how grateful to her I am for  her help. Even in my struggles while she was here it was the best and healing time for my Mom and I. She really stepped up and took charge over me and my family. And you know we are a flat out a circus ring. This experience for me has been the most humbling for myself not being able to do certain things or being at different places has been difficult. 

I am back at seeing my counselor who I did before and she has really help me put into perspective in what I am dealing with. See I struggle with mental disorder.... Yep that's right I said it a Mental disorder... Some may categorize that as crazy but it is not. I would never even want to admit that that's what I struggle from. There are many causes of mental disorders. Your genes and family history may play a role. Your life experiences, such as stress or a history of abuse, may also matter. Anxiety does run in my family and is genetic and can be passed down. But I have also dealt with some pretty traumatic experiences growing up.  I have now come off of a 3 year adrenaline rush. If you have followed my blog you know what we have gone through. So my body is now coming off of that and just letting it all go. See having panic, anxiety is such a mental struggle not one person would ever ask to have it yet it is never talked about and so many people suffer from it. It is almost a taboo if you were to say you have it or struggle with things like OCD which I have also. Growing up I couldn't control my environment but keeping things in control or doing certain things I could control I would do. My mentality has been such the Super Woman-Mom and I did it all and yet it took me down. Having this struggle and now trying to deal with it in the best way is a tough road. I have feelings that come out that I was too busy to deal with. Grieving my Grandma never happened because I was in shock and yet too busy to grieve and it is all coming out now. I'm learning that there are consequences to our lives the Napier's saying yes to  a Mighty God yet in those yeses are consequences. I think we go by in life thinking we are exempt sometimes from the hard stuff but in no way are we. I literally have never been on my knees screaming and crying like I  have been  for this struggle to go away. This is definitely something you can't explain unless you have been through yourself or struggled with. During this time I have met or heard stories of other Moms or woman who do struggle and who take medicine for it. See I think in our struggles if we admit we have them it is a major sign of weakness. But really you are helping someone else saying yes I do struggle and my life isn't cookie cutter. Yes sharing this gives people maybe many reasons to perform their own judgement on me yet I'm being honest about a real struggle that is never talked about. Daily I now fight this and wrestle in my head of what is true and is not. I still maybe can't do things I did before right now but I am a work in progress. I just now can say I find joy in this mess if that means you other Moms or woman can know you aren't alone. I am so grateful to my friends and family who have been there for me during this time. Dinner's being brought to us so it was one less thing for me to do. A text saying I'm praying for you or just thinking you. I could never say how much my husband has endured by watching me go through this. It has not been the easiest on our marriage that's for sure yet we come through the cracks. He has been by my side the whole way through. My children are who I think of when this terrible thing wants to take me under they are the reason I fight this terrible thing. I never knew how much Ephesians 2:10 would mean into my life until now, so much  so I got it tattooed on me over a year ago but recite it daily... I think I now know why fear is written so much in the bible because God knew what a struggle it was going to be to deal with it. Yet he doesn't leave out being anxious or anxiety either.
God knew what he was doing this whole time and if you ask me he does his best work in our darkest places because sometimes we have to get there to let him.

Always an Adventure...

I think by now you probably get that our family is always up to something. I usually don't go planning these crazy schemes but our life has been quite a adventure I'll say. When we wanted to make a change out of the same mundane of life we were doing boy did that happen. Our lives were changed forever. 6 kids later 3 moves 2 new jobs, a move across state. Living in limbo during this time hasn't been easy mentally that's for sure. This year by far marks it in the books for us. Our boys were adopted in January and we moved that night away from everything we always knew.

We moved into a new beautiful home met some incredible people, BUT something wasn't right.

We took on this new adventure God had opened doors to. We left our hometown to go see what it was like for our family.

 I must say I think a part of a lot people wish if they had the chance they would leave somewhere they only ever knew. 

And that's what we did, New school, new church, new friends, new neighbors. We lived in a great city had a lot to offer. But we still didn't feel settled. 

Now having 8 kids and taking all of them from everything they knew seemed to be OK for our family. I met some incredible people who I know now I will have forever friendships with.

Then one day I woke up and was toying is this where we want to be and raise our family?

I mean we had only been there 5 months already How could I really know?

I knew as Mom and wife that it was not the place for us. I mean this beautiful city has everything you need of convenience. So many things for family's,kids ect...  Amazing schools so many it hard to choose from. Our home is beautiful with a pool in a great neighborhood why would we leave that? Then it all revealed to me as much as I wanted the change of Newness I longed for and craved for the Familiar. But how was I ever going to share this with Ty? I would sound completely

insane and it would never work to move back home. We just moved 5months ago across state with 6 kids and went through a lot to get here. So one evening we were sitting on our bedroom floor talking and I just brought it up. I told him How I thought this wasn't the place for us and Our family should be back home. He looked at me and told me he felt the same exact way. I took the deepest breath ever because that was not what I was expecting. We prayed about it and had no clue how it would work but just prayed. During this time I was working through some hard stuff I had to work out in myself. Why was I wanting to move? What is my happiness based on? Is GOD enough if we don't get to move?

So fast forwarding a month later I dealt with one of the hardest things I have gone through loosing my Grandma Mary. That was really tough being away from family.

 So here is the thing I know people move all the time and so many are away from family. That we shouldn't move just because our family is there because one day they won't be same with friends. But I tell you what if we were given the chance to be back with our family and  friends we were going to take it. The kids and I left late may back home to attend my Grandma's service and to be with family. During this time Tyler got a call for a position that was opening. We couldn't of been more excited. He had the interview and we found out that week he got the job. GOD be all The Glory. Not only was it an amazing opportunity we would be home and he would have the same schedule too. No on call or work weekends anymore and financially better for us.

So we made the final decision for the kids and I to stay back for 3 weeks rather than going back to Az and moving back and forth. Hardest part was not saying goodbye face to face to a couple people. I knew they would understand and we wouldn't loose touch.

That's why if you have kept up with us and see no Ty in any pics is he has been back home packing us all up. The kids and I have lived with all sets of Grandparents. Very grateful for that because taking us on is a lot. The kids could not be anymore excited to be moving home. Just seeing them thrive with cousins and Grandparents, friends all around is more than I ever thought. There is just something being with family...Realizing the very small small stuff we took for granted is what mattered most to us. Even if that means I am a hour away from every convenience. lol We learned more about our selves, kids and marriage these past 6 months than I ever thought I could know. 

Today we move into our new house in the country although we will miss our pool.

God has big things planned for our family and watch out because I know he isn't moving us back just for nothing. He has definitely revealed somethings that we are excited about. So stay tuned.

I know I know crazy yet again moving. We should just invest in a moving company. lol

Ive learned life is an adventure take risk go through the hard stuff. We definitely took a risk moving, financially, spiritually, mentally. We could have stayed longer and endured what we were going though but God opened doors for where he knew our family needed to be. Ty getting this job was such a blessing because he isn't even going back to his old job or old place.So him getting a job back home was not that easy just all GOD. He is starting in a whole new area and different environment. We are so thankful for the encouragement and prayers along the way. Even when ugly truth in Love had to be told to us. We will always have a story in Az because it is now apart of ours. So if the opportunity ever comes and you don't know whether to move? Try it it might just be for you we are thankful we said yes and would have always wondered...

Transparent

If you follow me on instagram or facebook, you saw a post of what I feel like sometimes.

Yesterday was a day that defeat definitely won. I know what your thinking you have 6 kids everyday would be like that. Believe it or not 6 kids can go smoothly some days. 6 against 1 can be crazy. You get many feelings, different personalities. Someone has a little rough go then it throws everyone off. Yesterday made me realize I'm not the only one out there who feels like this. Yet you would of never known if I wasn't honest. Because we all can do a great job of making everything look Pretty. Pictures we post or statuses we write. You don't ever want to post a video of you screaming at your kids or saying no to them when they want to play. We post the smiles they just did for the camera but you repeatedly had to ask them or even take a million to get that smile. You never would want to post "Just flicked so n so in the mouth and then told him how horrible he or she is" we would never do that because then they would think I'm the worst.

But why is it so hard to be transparent and honest? Why must we front everything?

Don't get me wrong I know we are blessed and we have some really good days but lets remember that when the bad ones happen its part of our story too.  If we truly just cared of what God thinks of us, we could be more honest with people and ourselves. 

Because his opinion is what matters most right? Today's day is run by social media and that's how we think we know someone? We think we know them so much to even talk about them. Yet you have no idea what they are going though behind that screen. These past 4 years of our life changing have brought me to be so honest of our journey and our lives. I think God has allowed things to happen in our lives so we could be real with ourselves and have almost a reality check and boy have we had a lot. 

But if we don't have those rough patches how are we ever going to grow?

I want to be a encouragement to Moms out there, adoptive or not. We need to rally each other rather than pick each other apart. Most days I go to bed and think 'Wow today I failed many times", then I am so thankful that tomorrow is a new day. I know I'm a Hot Mess but a Beautiful Mess HE is making of me. God brought all this kids into my life. HE chose me to be their Mom and equips me daily even when I fail and am very hard on myself. If Mothering isn't about being honest, what are we teaching our kids? That life looks perfect always? I have to ask for forgiveness many times from my kids.

Your story will also help someone else out who is afraid to say so. Yet your honesty could be the

extra they need. Knowing I'm not alone is such a good feeling as a Mom. I have a Mom who I call a lot she is also a Mentor.
 I know I could call her and just vent and she right away will say "Girl that happens and its OK" and then sometimes she's honest and tells me that isn't going away.

We need those people in our lives the ones we are honest with and who are honest with us. 

Being MOM is one of Gods greatest Blessings but to remember without the really rough times how can you get to those really GOOD ones. You matter as MOM and don't let those bad days

let you feel different. He has prepared you already for your Life as Mom. I was reminded this yesterday. Heck I need to remember this always it is tattooed on my arm.

Much Love to all you Mamas....
If you want to follow me on instagram and see this circus. Follow me at Napier Life

For we are God's handiwork, created in christ Jesus to do good works,

 which he prepared us in advanced to do.

Ephesians 2:10

Grandma Mary....

    

 This is one of those blogs I have always known I was going  to write. But when writing it would be because she would no longer be here anymore. You know that one person in your life who you have such a stronghold to, the one who could make anything seem like it would be ok! 

Well for me, that was my Grandma Mary, a lady who made my world better. I didn't have the best up bringing in the world different story for another blog,, but I did have Grandma Mary. Her house was like a safe place you knew as soon as you walked in the doors nothing bad could happen. 

She would be standing there in the doorway ready to greet you with a kiss. I was always greeted with   "Hi Meeshell"    that is what she called me my whole life in her little Mexican accent. See my Papa Rae passed away when I was 3 and my Grandma never remarried she was a widow for 29 years. Being at Grandmas you knew you would get to eat dinner on Tv trays with her in her living room I would sleep with her even until I was 17 and every night was the same routine. Curlers in her hair and Bengae lotion on her arms. Wow was it such a strong scent. Breakfast in the morning was like no other, I mean lets get serious a Mexican Grandma in the Kitchen even a restaurant couldn't compare. Eggs,beans, salsa, potatoes and bacon. When my brother Noah and I would go there in the summer I couldn't wait. But I knew my Grandma would prepare herself. We were a handful that's for sure.

 See my Grandma never drove she was to scared, so we took the city bus everywhere we went. She lived right around the corner of Mc Dondalds and we would walk there but see with Grandma you always had to hold her hand or she would not take you. As I got older I spent more time just sitting in her living room with her talking about her life with Papa and as a Mom to four kids. I will forever cherish those times. In her kitchen growing up she had a owl cookie jar and you knew it was always filled with chocolate chip cookies, until she had to start  buying the healthy ones. Her candy bowl out in the living room was a tempting source of trouble when you were told no and you would sneak one in your pocket. As I talk about her and I wish so badly she was here I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for memories, because isn't that all we have? 

Grandma Mary was the most giving woman I had ever met her Faith was very strong. He kind heart is what made her so special. The day of my wedding I got the worst anxiety attack and wouldn't walk down the isle until she got there. I can't even describe the feeling I had when she walked in the back of the church. I will never forget how she smelled how soft her skin was and what she said to me. "Meeshell your going to be ok Tyler is a good boy" See I get my anxiety from my Grandma she was too scared to be in the wedding party and walk down the isle so she didn't. HA...

As I became a Mom it was my geatest Joy bringing my girls to her. I had heart problems so I had to deliver at Ucla but the biggest blessing of that is I was only 5 minutes from her house so directly leaving the hospital we went straight to Grandma Marys. She had the biggest smile on her face and would sing them the same song she sang to me. Chonie, chonie, chonie, chonie, chonie chone. I even have it on video which is the best thing to watch. I know a song about underwear but my kids even know it because I sang it to them. When she started to get sick and went into the home that was really hard because I knew her mind and her body was failing and it was't Grandma Mary anymore. 

My Grandma gave me so many baths as a little girl which I dreaded because she would scrub her nails into my scalp and it hurt. lol But she always made sure I was clean and ready for bed with her red cinnamon toothpaste I loved using. Then one day roles were reversed I was in the same bathroom giving her a bath because she could no longer do it herself.  What she said to me I can hardly type. "God Bless you Meeshell for doing this for me". She was in her most vulnerable state and I was taking care of her and I wouldn't of had it any other way. It reminded me of The I'll love you forever book, if you haven't read it you must. But warning a tear jerk. The day I found out she passed I just sat there with no emotion because I didn't know what to even think. She has been the one person in my life I have never wanted to loose. My girls  love her as much as me she was their GG. They spent a lot of time with her. Her service was beautiful and we celebrated a Great woman. She will never be forgotten and Mary Esparza's legacy will live on. Heck have you seen Lola she is the spitting image of her and sass too. Be grateful for the family that imprints on your heart its one of Gods Greatest blessings.