Monday, November 24, 2014

Darkest Place.

Behind that smile is a Mom hanging on not knowing what is going on inside her. Driving  home with her children a overwhelming sense of fear comes over her. Her heart starts racing and she is paralyzed with panic.  This starts to come a recurrence and doing things becomes harder and harder for her. Yet if you would look at her from the outside she looks perfectly fine. Yet inside she is struggling mentally. My life definitely changed 2 months ago going from being social and being apart of everything and doing it all. I had a panic attack that lasted 12 hours and if you have never experienced one I am so thankful for you to not have. It is one of the worst things to experience. From there on it made me fearful to do anything... I couldn't eat, the thought of being alone with my children made me so scared. I felt like this would never go away and I was trapped. My Mom came to stay with us during the weeks to take my kids to school and to be home with me. I could never say I how grateful to her I am for  her help. Even in my struggles while she was here it was the best and healing time for my Mom and I. She really stepped up and took charge over me and my family. And you know we are a flat out a circus ring. This experience for me has been the most humbling for myself not being able to do certain things or being at different places has been difficult. 
I am back at seeing my counselor who I did before and she has really help me put into perspective in what I am dealing with. See I struggle with mental disorder.... Yep that's right I said it a Mental disorder... Some may categorize that as crazy but it is not. I would never even want to admit that that's what I struggle from. There are many causes of mental disorders. Your genes and family history may play a role. Your life experiences, such as stress or a history of abuse, may also matter. Anxiety does run in my family and is genetic and can be passed down. But I have also dealt with some pretty traumatic experiences growing up.  I have now come off of a 3 year adrenaline rush. If you have followed my blog you know what we have gone through. So my body is now coming off of that and just letting it all go. See having panic, anxiety is such a mental struggle not one person would ever ask to have it yet it is never talked about and so many people suffer from it. It is almost a taboo if you were to say you have it or struggle with things like OCD which I have also. Growing up I couldn't control my environment but keeping things in control or doing certain things I could control I would do. My mentality has been such the Super Woman-Mom and I did it all and yet it took me down. Having this struggle and now trying to deal with it in the best way is a tough road. I have feelings that come out that I was too busy to deal with. Grieving my Grandma never happened because I was in shock and yet too busy to grieve and it is all coming out now. I'm learning that there are consequences to our lives the Napier's saying yes to  a Mighty God yet in those yeses are consequences. I think we go by in life thinking we are exempt sometimes from the hard stuff but in no way are we. I literally have never been on my knees screaming and crying like I  have been  for this struggle to go away. This is definitely something you can't explain unless you have been through yourself or struggled with. During this time I have met or heard stories of other Moms or woman who do struggle and who take medicine for it. See I think in our struggles if we admit we have them it is a major sign of weakness. But really you are helping someone else saying yes I do struggle and my life isn't cookie cutter. Yes sharing this gives people maybe many reasons to perform their own judgement on me yet I'm being honest about a real struggle that is never talked about. Daily I now fight this and wrestle in my head of what is true and is not. I still maybe can't do things I did before right now but I am a work in progress. I just now can say I find joy in this mess if that means you other Moms or woman can know you aren't alone. I am so grateful to my friends and family who have been there for me during this time. Dinner's being brought to us so it was one less thing for me to do. A text saying I'm praying for you or just thinking you. I could never say how much my husband has endured by watching me go through this. It has not been the easiest on our marriage that's for sure yet we come through the cracks. He has been by my side the whole way through. My children are who I think of when this terrible thing wants to take me under they are the reason I fight this terrible thing. I never knew how much Ephesians 2:10 would mean into my life until now, so much  so I got it tattooed on me over a year ago but recite it daily... I think I now know why fear is written so much in the bible because God knew what a struggle it was going to be to deal with it. Yet he doesn't leave out being anxious or anxiety either.
God knew what he was doing this whole time and if you ask me he does his best work in our darkest places because sometimes we have to get there to let him.


  1. I just typed out a very long and heartfelt redone to this blog. And for some reason it's asking me to do it all over again. Sorry version. ...... my heart goes out to you. Empathetic to your circumstances. I would love to talk to you more if you'd like. 661.330.7821. Love, Kim Maxwell

  2. like Kimberly my response seems to have disappeared - and like Kimberly I had typed a full response. Praying for you. 822-0550 if you need ANYTHING.

  3. I have struggled on and off with panic and anxiety disorder. I know how it feels. You are a strong and passionate person and there will be brighter days ahead. Rest well, know your limits, and trust in your self (a lot of self doubt appears). Talk therapy is a huge healer. Call me if you need to talk to someone who has been there. Xo Sarah Smith

  4. Thank you! I have also struggled with this! Dark, dark days, I hate even thinking about them. But I was so lucky to have Matt to help me through.