A Different special Christmas...

WOW.. It has been while since my last blog man the season is busy that is for sure.It didnt help either that my computer went to the Dr's. This seems to be the time where there are extra dinner parties extra activities at church, school, ect..

We had a good Thanksgiving hosted it here with some Family. Thanksgiving came by so fast the time just seems to speed up during these two months. So then it is Christmas I was so excited to decorate and bake and do the extra things during this month. The first thing hit me when I was pulling out the stockings and seeing the two that had been made that won't be up on the mantle. Yes I did I sobbed like a baby I couldn't believe how much it hurt. I gave myself 10 minutes and stopped. I then sat there and wondered if they will be able to have a Christmas

 because I have no idea. I can torture myself and think they won't especially to know  what Tyler was able to experience last year. He had a Christmas I am so Thankful he will never forget a Christmas full of love and seeing what it is truly about. I remember last Christmas he never had a Tree, so to decorate it he loved it. Then on Christmas morning my anticipation for him to be able to walk out and see his face shocked me. Not a bad way almost a little overwhelming. He had no expression really he was overwhelmed never experienced anything like it. So that is where I torture myself is him not being able to have that every year its hard. Holidays are hard for I think anyone who is grieving I don't know what it is. I mean it is the most meaningful time. Our Savior was born!!! The girls especially my Averee have had some hard times with the boys not being here at Christmas but boy do we ever love to talk about them and laugh about the times we had.

At the beginning of the month I went to a Christmas Tea it was so nice. The speaker went up and she was talking and said " I want to show this video".We'll can I just tell you when God wants to speak to you he will let you know and he did. I heard the music and saw and I knew it was for me. I cried so hard I had to be consoled but the cry was different. It was yes a little sad but a happy cry. Here is the video the very beginning is what  I want you to see and understand what I mean.

I know you think Michelle always puts things on here that make me cry. Well if I have learned anything its ok to cry. Someone told me God gave us tears for a reason. 

This is our temporary

home and the boys they are also to in their temporary home. Even though they are not with us and I have no clue what it is like for them. I have that hope that is there Temporary home. That one day I will see them and we will be in our permanent home together. I know this video was meant for me that day because it has truly helped me this time of year. We can get so caught up in this world and our own desires and forgetting the real reason of it all. God is coming back one day if it is this life time or not. We know as a Family we gave Tyler the guidance into his true salvation even if he was only 6 he accepted God into his heart and will have that for the rest of his life and to guide his little brother. This honestly was the best gift because I would of been on a one way mind set this Christmas but God got us through. This Christmas was special because we were thankful for having the Boys at all and sharing the memories with them. Remember the small things in life are really small things. Don't get caught up with what YOU think is important. I have fought this battle the last 5 months and I am freed of it.

      

 

 

The Enenmy will Prey on a Broken and healing heart.

So this month is especially hard for me as its National Adoption Month which we would have been finalizing this month with the boys. But this month we are big advocates of because we know and love a couple of special children who are no longer orphans because of there selfless parents and for that I am blessed to have been a part of and can't wait to be apart of Adoption Month one day.

 This is why its hard. I am struggling so my heart is vulnerable I can see and feel how the enemy can prey on it. Sometimes during this process something can trigger it for me or I wake up with a angry feeling. Like this morning I woke up with a aery feeling and was not feeling like my self and my post was going to be different. As I  was typing I felt as God was trying to tell me to not let the enemy in because I can't not move forward with a clean heart if I do. I don't think I have really ever shared my past issue with depression and anxiety it's very hard to admit. People close to me know I have struggled with it. I was 20 with my first episode of anxiety and then turned into depression I couldn't leave my house for a month. I laid on the couch everyday with fear and no emotion. Tyler helpless because he didn't know how to help me did everything possible to help me feel better. Than I found out I was pregnant with Faith and thank God it subsided. Year and half later we bought a new house Faith was a year and half same thing I went into the depression and anxiety attacks. I didn't leave my house eat and I couldn't even be a Mom to Faithe which remembering brings me to tears. I lost a lot of weight and was very weak. Our dear friends Steve and Regina knew my struggle and they came over and asked if they could sing me a song with their guitar  I can't remember the song but it truly saved me at that time. There wasn't one dry eye in that room and it was like they were saying to the enemy leave Michelle's heart and God take over. I became better for a while finding out I was pregnant with Averee I did fine Until a couple years later when Averee and Faith were 5 and 2. I got very depressed and had bad anxiety I even missed Averee's birthday party laying in bed telling everyone I was sick because I couldn't get out of bed. I actually am so shamed to say it I can't believe that it happened. So then I realized I had to get help I did try medicine and it made me feel worse. It does work for some people for me it didn't that isnt saying its not good just that for me I had to do something different. I went and got help I saw a christian therapist and she help me change my life. She help me to deal with scarring childhood experiences that I never wanted to remember and deal with. At 26 years old it came out and I delt with my demons I forgave my past and all I had to experience and told her things I hadn't even told Tyler. Things that happened that no child should go through. I got help and it forever changed my life I gave it to God and I felt no more burden from it. I don't know why this morning was the morning to share this but it was all God. This morning was the first morning I felt like I did 6 years ago and almost felt like it could take over. Than I prayed and talked to him and he truly took it away that horrible feeling and I know he is guarding my heart and I will not go there. If you feel like you are in the most blackest place in your life he will get you out but you have to give it to him. Give him your struggles and your hurt because he wants to take it from you. Satan knows I am vulnerable right now and I wont give that to him. I know God is guarding my heart. Depression and anxiety is one of the worst things  person can deal with. Don't let the enemy feed off of it. I am a testament that God does heal all wounds.  Get help if your struggling it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Please listen to this song.I know I put songs on my blogs but worshiping is one of my most inanimate times with God. Music has truly help me along the way. This song says a lot for me.                         

1 Peter 5:7

 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

He made us in every detail to work according to his will! ll!

Do you remember when you were saved? That time in your life when you asked God to be your personal savior and accept in to your heart?

 I remember I was just a little girl went to a christian school and they asked us in class if we wanted to make that choice. I will never forget my teacher coming to pray with me. I fully didn't quite understand all of it but it sure sounded good and this God wanted only but the best for me. I lived my life like anyone else around me friends, sports raised by a single Dad. So maybe everything wasn't the same but I thought it was during that time. Not until my senior year in High school when I went on missions trip to Mexico did I truly vow and give my life to the Lord. I will never forget being in the poorest of poorest town and the people were so kind and generous. I was with Ty my boyfriend at the time not husband yet...lol  and our friend Tim and Lindsey and we were talking to the Pastor of the church there Tim told him he liked his sweater and he took it off and gave it to him. No questions just gave it to him. Your thinking no big deal, but to see this man who had nothing him and his family lived in one square cement building with living off maybe 5 dollars a week. Had such a givers heart.

This has stuck with me and always had me thinking. Just because we give our lives to God and become a Christian doesn't mean we will live a perfect life and never go through trials or destined to live an extravagant life. It means we will go through it and have the Holy Spirit and Grace with us. The Pastor had no reason to give Tim his sweater yet he had the Love for Jesus and no other will in his heart but to love on people and serve. This Pastors life was destined for him even if that meant he and his family lived off 5 dollars in cement home this life for that Pastor does not mean God loves him any less just that he was who God wanted to be in that little Mexico Town.

Now to get why I shared this story we are all going to go through something in our lives that are some major Trials. Just following our Family you would see we aren't exempt even following a calling God had on our lives. But it brings me to think of what comes out of that Trial that matters most? Now I am not putting any hurt or suffering that someone has gone through any less of what it really was. I just know from what I have seen from what people have gone through what they turn around and do with it meaning BLESSING someone because of what they went through. I think of non profits or fund raisers all of that is to bless someone else in need because of what they maybe had to experience.  I am thinking of a friend who went through what no mom should never have to go through and loose a child. My heart hurts for her and her family because that is a pain unless you have gone through it you wouldn't know. But I think of what her and her Husband did. They turned around and blessed so many families and children in the Hospitals after the loss of their child. Now I don't why they did it but I bet you it was sparked from what they just went through. So this makes me think Does God turn our Losses or what we go through in life so we will turn into Blessing someone else who needs it? Right now I am able to something for a friend that I would never be able to do of my boys were here. People see me doing it and they think I am crazy. But Isn't this life for us to Bless and serve others? Trust me I would never want to go through what are family did but I look at right now what I am able to do for someone else. The families that were touched by my friends family might of never been touched if they hadn't went through what they did. Be a Blessing you don't have to go through a trial to be one. Bless someone today even if that means a simple meal, a phone call, paying for someones starbucks in front of you. There is always a way to bless someone especially during this time of year. Remember this life isn't yours to please yourself its about Loving God and Loving Others....

                   Ephesians 1:11  In Him we have obtained an inheritance,having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to his will.

This was a big deal for our Family.

 Family Pictures I mean everyone seems to take them. Its that time of year when Family's start to make appointments with their local photographer. I mean Christmas is right around the corner and you want to have your pics done by Christmas. Our Family has never had professional photo's done we have had family pictures where a friend or family member took them with there camera but never have we had professional pictures done. With our process of pursuing adopting I have also held it off because I wanted to be able to have whoever we had in our family in the pictures. After losing Elijah I held it off because I knew we still wanted more. Than we got the boys and I thought Ok I really want them done but we can't take them yet not until adoption is final than we will. So we had our friends last Christmas take a really fast picture of us in our backyard and we were good with that. I would always see family pictures and say I can't wait to do that.

Then it came time the boys are now gone and we didn't get to point with the adoption and no family pictures with them in it what I had been longing for, I had already thought ways we would take them and how they would all look.

So Finally I made the decision we will do Family pictures and we will capture our right now moment even if that meant they we would not have them in the pictures. So I cried  telling my husband and I told him I'm ready lets get Family pictures. So we did and here they are.........

 I know everyone gets pictures done our family pictures tell a story of God's Glory.

We can overcome the darkness and even though the picture may not have who I wanted in it It has who's is supposed to be in it RIGHT NOW! This is the Napier family yes you walked through the hardest darkest times of our lives but we prevail and we can't wait to see who gets to be in our next FAMILY photo...

GOD IS GOOD!!!!

Finding Joy in what God HAs called us to do.

 It is has been a while since I have blogged about our adoption journey. It seems like we have had the cry wolf situations, of the Napier's are adopting twice and both failing miserably. You are probably thinking how can you say that. I am being honest, twice now we have attempted to bring in forever children to our home and it hasn't happened. Oh the suffering in it is HARD having two failed attempts that would get you. If you didn't have God in the center of it which we have. Having friends and family so involved with the ones you bring in because you think they will end up being yours people get attached and start to bond. So when there is a crucial decision made that affects EVERYONE it is rough. Our family is healing our girls are doing good. They still want to talk about them and they are allowed to as much as they want. We don't act like they were never here. We like to remember different things that went on during the time we had them. It as been 2 1/2 months since we went from a family of 7 to 5. We are back to the 5 like we were before maybe a little different because of what we went through. I mean I have my days. Two weeks ago it all came out and I wish I could take that day back but I can't. It was not fun. It was pure anger that came out it happened it finally happened. I snapped I was so angry at God and screaming at him. WHY WOULD YOU ALLOW ME TO BRING IN CHILDREN TO  OUR HOME AND TURN MY HOUSE AND KIDS UPSIDE DOWN?? I couldn't hold it any longer. I was angry that our family had to experience what we just went through. My crying turned into sobbing because I realized then that we were called to do this hurting or no hurting. And that is wasn't about us at all. It was about loving these two special people even if God planned for them to leave because they are Gods children and I knew right then that God was hurting too. We can't put stipulations on what God has called us too. Your heart has to be all in or its truly not for Him!!!

 So I know what your thinking are they going to do this again?? I mean we read her blog and cry at all her stories how could they? I will tell you why because we were called to something AND WE KNOW IN THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS GOD WILL HONOR IT. That one day my blog will say " WE ARE ADOPTING AMEN" and can't wait til that day but until then we will persevere and know God has a plan for us and we will wait in JOY. Remember we don't live this life for ourselves we live to serve others even if that means God gives and takes away.                                                                                                                                                        
                                                             Proverbs 23:18
                  You will be rewarded for this; your hope will not be disappointed.

Moms to Daughters

 Many of my followers are Mommies and some of you are Moms to daughters and this culture we live in now that is so vein and into me me me.. We need to be the example to our daughters of what is truly important. Don't get me wrong I like to dress up and look nice like any other woman in a healthy way . But I want to be the example to my girls of what is really important. Be the example!!


For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!
--Sam Levenson

One MonthToday..

                                                              

                   Have you ever seen a movie that you think wow I have been there, I get the movie.

 Well The Odd Life of Timothy Green, All I can say is GREAT..

I know everyone has their opinions on movies but this movie was so well written.It didn't Hollywood the script . I mean a little maybe a kid coming from the garden I get it. The writing of this movie had so much more than that. We took our girls to go see it and thought it looked cute and fun to go as a family. What was to come about we did not expect at all. It was like this movie was meant for our family to see. We just experienced everything they went through with different terms and circumstances. A family though who deals with loss but not really. A son they so hoped for and wanted. I won't give the movie away but you have to go see it. This little boy gave everyone such a positive change in there lives even when they didn't think it wasn't a blessing when truly that is why he was there. He allowed his parents to see what they were capable of doing. 

Goes without saying Tyler and I held our hands so tight and wiping from our eyes over and over. This movie truly touched our hearts because we had Timothy except his name was Tyler and he shined brightly and left a blessing to everyone he met. His little brother Trent allowed people to love the loveless. Today has been one month since I had to say goodbye our boys. I MISS them more than you could imagine. Tonight at dinner we all went around saying our favorite memories of the boys were. 

Averee shared her favorite memory was holding Trent and having Tyler get to be in her kindergarten class.

Faiths memory was knowing when Trent would cry she would just have to pick him up and he would smile at her and stop, and the way Tyler made her laugh.

Lola's memory, not like she knew what we meant she said I love my brothers.

My memory was hearing Trent baby talk it was so sweet and Tyler had the best laugh it made me smile from ear to ear hearing it. 

Tyler's memory was when he would get Trent out of his crib he would kick his legs and smile at him and the way Tyler would jump on him when he got home from work. The way he would say "Sup Daddy".

 Tears are falling from my face as how I wish I could say this is just an everyday thing. 

Not a memory we talk about at dinner because they aren't here.

But today I say this

Thank you God for those memories to have. For we are better to have had our boys then to have never had them at all. These boys showed our family how we are capable to love and do things we never thought we could do as a family. I really recommend to see the movie and bring tissue. You will see why it was meant for our family. This was a good time for all of us to see it.