Living with "At Risk" Faith...

What does living with "At Risk" faith look like to you? 

Im honored to share our story of what that looks like for our family.

My name is Michelle and I am married to my high school sweetheart. Cliche I know... I feel very blessed to be able to say that we have been married for 15 years. We have six kids 3 girls and 3 boys.

Our journey to walking with faith started 5 years ago. We were your typical american family. Craftsman style home, golden lab, three little girls. We had toys to use on the weekends and lived life very comfortable. We read a book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. This book changed our lives we knew something was missing. We felt the calling to Adopt. Adoption can make you have many type of feelings. Yet we had no clue what "at risk" type of faith we were going to need. Everyone around us was very excited a little hesitant and worried what it might look like for our girls. We knew it was what we were supposed to do. So we sold all our toys and dedicated our lives to this new adventure to adoption. June, 2011 we got our first placement, a three month old who was so cute and chubby. He could light up a room with his sweet face. We enjoyed him and thought, "Wow this was easy." The girls loved feeding him and playing with him. 5weeks later we were told he was going back. So naive, we couldn't believe he was leaving. A very hard goodbye placing this sweet baby into the social workers car. Ok God, "What are you doing to our family? We just set out to love this sweet baby and you knew he would leave" Our girls who were 8,5,3 were crushed needless to say. Tyler and I thought we are never doing that again. Adoption is and was hard work and we don't know if we were cut out for that. Then 5 months later we got placement of a five year old and a newborn 4 pound baby who was in the nicu.Totally not in our plans of adoption since we said we just wanted a baby and our daughter was 5 at the time also. Well those two became best friends and Tyler and I nursed the little baby back to health. 11 months with these sweet boys who we thought were going to adoptions never thinking they would go back. Yet in the back of our mind knew we were living the "At Risk" faith. We still loved those boys hard and gave them a life they didn't have. We weren't perfect but we were a family full of love. A phone call would change everything the boys are going back to a Grandmother. I fell to my knees sobbing and could hardly breathe. How am I going to tell this sweet boy who calls me Mommy he is going back? How am I going to tell my girls? By the grace of God I was able to tell them not without a lot of tears. We had a goodbye party for the boys. Our church family, family, friends came and they knew why. It was a bittersweet day but so grateful to everyone who came. This little boy was seeing everyone who loved them just for the short time they were there. That next day is one to hard to write about, saying goodbye is never easy and how do you say goodbye knowing you won't see them anymore. Then just like that they were gone, driving away in a white car with our social worker. We walked into the house and all five of us got in the car and left for the weekend. We couldn't be home. There was anger, sadness, disbelief but through it all we knew God knew what he was doing better than us.That is what kept me going. Then 6 months later in 2103, we were placed with our three boys who are now adopted and a major part of this family. They were going to be split up but we said "yes" knowing yet again the "At Risk" faith we were going to have to live by. God knew this whole time our three boys were in waiting. It took major bumps in the road and hardship to get their but he knew. Three little boys who were 1,2,3 and didn't speak much english and had long hair. Everyone around us thought we were crazy to add three more and to still go though it with after all our family had been through. We just knew we were called to it and knew God has his hand in the whole thing. I mean we had already been through the worst. In having them for a little bit later that year we dealt with another compromising situation. Considering not going though it our 6 year old said something to us that taught me more than she will ever know. She said "I would rather them stay and love them than to have them leave and not to have love them at all." I couldn't believe it, she was so right. Our girls were learning about what it means to love others and that this life isn't all about them. They have learned what most adults still don't get. Three years later and being a family of eight it hasn't been roses but here is what it has been. Major counseling to peel layers and layers for some of us, working through bonding which didn't happen right away. Missing out on a lot because we were trying to become a family even though we started as strangers. My boys didn't ask to be orphans and to be out in this situation and to have to deal with some loss as they get older and understand. But God has put us in their lives to love them and guide them through life and break the cycle which was placed in their lives. On the hardest days they still  don't ever amount to the really great ones. Taking my boys cupcakes to their classes for their birthdays and seeing their tiny little faces light up. Having their dad coach their sports teams and know he is their biggest cheerleader. They have three sisters who are their biggest supporters, and act like their older sisters(ha). They are surrounded by friends and family who love them and want to get to know who these three little boys are and who they will become. Never in my life did I think having "At Risk" faith would mean Mommy to 6 and drive a 12 passenger van. 

Just last week I was laying out in the pool with my baby boy and enjoying him while others our at school thriving because we "said YES GOD we will live "At risk" for you."

So my dear sweet friend whatever your "At Risk" faith is, remember on those really hard moments and  days, really best ones are right around the corner. I know this because I am living it.

XOXO, Michelle  

You can follow our crazy journey on my blog or on my Instagram @napiernest

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? 

If God is for us, who can be against us?

Romans 8:31

Sometimes I forget what we went through.

It has been a long time since I have written in my blog, hence the six kids, a husband, sports and just life in general. This morning I felt compelled to write. I was thinking back to five years ago and where our family was. Just Ty and I and our three young girls who were 8, 5, 2. Life was just simple and we did things as we pleased, vacationed as we wanted and I hosted parties and dinners at my home often. During that season of life we were simply sailing and our biggest test was when we were going to take our trailer out or when our next Disneyland trip was. But in February of that year Ty and I felt it was time to leave our home church, for no specific reason at all. There was nothing wrong just time for us to leave. Tyler and I had been a huge part of the church and Tyler headed up the youth group for almost 7 years, we loved that church and everyone in it, yet something was just changing in us. We started our new church we are at now and everything in us changed. Adoption came into our life. I never really thought of adoption, it wasn't something I wanted since I was a little girl and knew I would always do it. It just wouldn't leave my mind. There were two people in this church that had just joined the foster/adoption community. Long story short I knew this was a feeling that I could simply shake off knew I was called to do this, my husband not so much. Ty at first didn’t feel the same way I did about it. I just asked him to pray about it and he did. We didn't talk about it much but I continued to pray about it. Then one day Ty told me he was ready for me to call the agency and let's do this. I was so naive not and didn’t have a clue what we were about to walk into. We just thought we were going to adopt a tiny baby and save the world. Boy do I wish I had someone there to really kick the living air out of us to really show us what we were about to endure. We told all our family and friends some had positive reactions and some did not. I get it, adoption is either one of two things “Wow you guys are amazing” or “You are crazy”. Either way we had no clue what we were getting into we just trusted God to lead us. So that year we welcomed a three month old little boy and loved him. He was so precious and the girls loved playing with him. Then 5 weeks later there was a mix up in his case and he went back to his parents. That little boy should have never been removed in the first place. Either way we were so crushed. Ty went to court and he called me to break the news and the girls and I had 15 minutes to say good bye. How do you say goodbye to something you have fallen in love with in 15 minutes. You can already guess what that looked like for all of us. Not a good day in the books for at the Napier's.  Remember I said, we were naive we had no clue about the system and how it all worked but we were getting to see what it was like. I mean we were ready to take this little boy as our own and love him. So we were fragile to say the least. Five months later we get a call for a 5 year old little boy and a brand new baby who was still being cared for at the NICU and still going through with-drawls. Ok God we will say yes even though we just signed those adoption papers for one baby. Wow just wow those two little boys entered our lives and we just did life, the hard, the good the bad and the ugly. A year with them and and working so hard to get the baby through 16 hours of screaming, night sweats being comfortable and a 5 year old who now had a new family to be with. Three little girls who were just loving these boys and had taken a back seat to what was normal to them with just Mom and Dad. That year was full of “firsts” for this five year old. Disneyland, the beach, family bbq's, water parks, a family and a real birthday party. Being able to see a child see things for the first time is something you can't explain. Most of us take for granted what we introduce our kids to even the littlest things like the park that has swings. A birthday party with family and cousins was too much because he had never had one. But yet to us that was normal but to him not normal at all. That year will be one we will never forget. God had other plans for them because they went back to a family member out of state. That goodbye was one we still don't talk about much because it was too much for humans to process or understand. A goodbye that you knew was permanent. Our church family came to say goodbye our friends and family came out to say goodbye. Everyone there knew why they were there but kept the great face to be there for us and that sweet little boy and his baby brother. A lot of praying happened and no sleep was had, that next day we said our last goodbyes. A lot to read I know sometimes I forget we did that. Well we were done adopting or whatever we were trying to do. How could we put our kids through that anymore and ourselves. Six months later after hard, hard days and getting back to life. A phone call changed our lives forever. Three little boys were in need of a home and we were the last on the list before they were going to have to split them. She was having a hard time placing three boys in one homer. I get it, three is hard and at one time. We said yes and our lives have never been the same since, with the good and bad. Those three boys are ours and these three years have shaped and molded all of us into ways most people might never get to. We have been stripped to our core with emotions, life changes and everyday changes. Our three girls love like no one I have ever met. Our three boys have changed our hearts for the better even on the days we doubt our every move. Our family has had to come together so tight through very hard circumstances. I know people look at us and think why would we got through all of this and say well you chose this. You are right, we chose do to this because if it's not us then who? I couldn't even imagine where my three boys would be if not here with us. Yes adding three more children to your family is pure crazy. I will tell you this, our girls lead the whole way to our boys being here they would never want it to be any other way. At the beginning when there were hiccups and we got scared the girls would say it’s better to have them here to love them then to not have them here at all if they go back. Five years of stories, lessons and many memories all because we said yes to something bigger than us. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of our story and that loves our family well. Say yes to something bigger than you because there is always a bigger and better plan with it.

Much Love,

Michelle

 XOXO

The Napier Nest: A letter to someone who is so close but so far!

The Napier Nest: A letter to someone who is so close but so far!: A letter to Her for this upcoming Mother's Day... Hello I know we have never met but I feel like I already know you because I hav...

Adoption and what can come After.

The day you and your family have been waiting for and with all the anticipation it's finally here... The Adoption day.

I mean you went through fire just to get there. It was a beautiful day, they are orphans no longer and they are "yours". Then it hit me like of ton of bricks; what I had envisioned in my head and 

what it would be like was not even close. I mean you go through all the training classes and have all the  

 social worker visits, it was here and real. We aimed to be in this pace of adoption and yet it actually became harder one it was final, I started second guessing myself and everything we just did. We took in three boys and in one  year they were ours. Still all the issues we faced and they were having didn't go away. But I thought once this adoption happened they would. They actually stuck out more and became so much more prevelant. I now had to really take in the fact that I was the one responsible over them for the rest of their lives and that became overwhelming. But adoption is what we knew God wanted us to do.

 Or... did we want to do it? I sank into what I call anxiety of post partum adoption. I didn't like who I was becoming.  My new family we just entwined was really bringing out the ugly in myself. Did I really think I was capabale of doing this? It brought grief and sorrow of what once was, the life we used to have and it wasn't easy to tell you the truth. I now had three little boys who had no idea what was going on around them and we are all trying to bond and it isn't happening. You see it all around, in pictures, movies, blogs and adoption looks amazing and you feel like you are saving the world in a way. When you closed the doors to our home I would cry myself to sleep some days. Why wasn't I loving my kids like should? I mean loving the orphan sounds so nice in the Bible. God says to love them. That should be easy to love a child. My three boys had gone though so much and now I had to help them get though it. And for me I could barely get through most of my days as a new mom of six. I get it now, those exhausted, spent and downright wore out Mama's who have adopted are literally just hanging on by a thread and have been through more than they want to say to protect these little ones. 

Their stories and what they go through isn't ours to tell. 

I can only speak of what our adoption story before and after looked like. 

I see you, Mama, no one see's you or what you are doing in that little one's life, the one who won't let you in and that test every part of your being.  God sees you and you are leaving an imprint in your new child's life. I know everyone will have a opinion about your journey and how you should be doing it. Remember you are the one living it and know what goes on when no one is around. I would encourage you to seek counseling before, during or after you have taken this new journey on. If you see my pictures on social media sometimes or I write about it in my blogs and what we have struggled with. Writing has been an outlet for me. Counseling really helped me and my family and some of my children. I had to know that I wasn't going crazy and I had to work on my own issues. Listen to me adoption is exactly what is says. Adopting something into your life that you have to learn to take in the good, the bad and the ugly. That is why it doesn't happen more because who wants to go there? Who wants to interrupt the life they have going? I used to think everyone should adopt a child, now I would be scared because most couldn’t. Yet everyone can do something for the fatherless. I was asked to write about this topic and I was nervous because you open up something and you don't know how people will respond. Going through what I did was part of my story,  although adoption didn't look like what I pictured. God knew what our family adoption story would look liked and I trust him. 

Keep yourself in an adoption community to surround yourself with the ones "who get it". I don't know what I would do without some of the women in my life. The days can be hard and yet when the good ones are good they are so good. If you are feeling like this; know it’ okay, you are still a great Mom, woman, friend, wife and/or sister. God knew this would be hard thats why he asks for us to do it because he knew loving the orphan would take work, love and dedication. Again I say you aren't alone and you are still a Great Mom. You will get though this, Like my pastor said "Anyone who adopts gets a free pass into heaven in my book" My family has come a long way and in three years we are just now getting each other I would move mountains for my children. My boys are getting a little older and they are starting to understand adoption and what it means. They know they were chosen and we fought for them and will continue to fight for them and will forever be in their corner. Much Love to you that chooses to be the fighter and go through it. The process and what you go through to get there will never be lost or a waste. It will always be worth it.

A Busy Summer...

It has been a long time since I last wrote in my Journal...

That's what it is, I blog but this is more like a personal journal I share with you all. I hope you had a great summer, you probably were busy with life and things. This summer we kept busy through the whole summer. Our family was on the adventure path for sure. We went camping at the beach, which is by far one of our favorites for this big family. Camping is the cheapest for us to plan. We spent a week at the beach house which is a family tradition that we all look forward to all year. Ty and I had our anniversary trip to Laguna, which was much needed. Oh... and we moved again, we do that a lot. Of course we took the kids to the pool too much. This summer we went to Mammoth with some friends who need an applause, who put up with this family in a cabin for a weekend, was by far a favorite trip. We did many day trips to the beach. We got the new house in order and all organized because you know we have that disease where everything is hung the day you move in. So while you probably saw pictures of us every where busy and having a good time, we really did. Kids were great! Vacationing with six kids isn't what people think. Yes, there is more noise and more food, but it works. You see Ty and I run a tight ship anyway so when we are on vacation rules and structure still apply. Yet when we are on vacation we are escaping the reality that being home is much harder. There is real life, bills, responsibilities and work to be done. So being on vacation for our family almost gives us a tiny piece of normalcy. We don't have these huge responsibilities like we do at home and Ty and I are almost able to relax. To the person reading this you may think, "Heck NO, vacationing with six kids sounds like hell". But for us it's our piece of Heaven. This is why I know this summer we sought out to be gone often, because the reality is being at home is way too overwhelming at times. We sometimes don't feel equipped to handle what God has brought into our home. We just do what we think is best for our family and vacationing for this family is good. After summer was coming to an end, we realized why we didn't want to be home.

Wondering how we ever got to this place where we didn't want to be around what is supposed to be familiar and normal. Our normal is different and I think even after two and half years we sometimes don't get it. This wolf pack is literally a full blown circus through out the year. We have different personalities trying to blend together and the constant task of being there for one another during the other ones activities and sports. It's almost like summer helps rejuvenate all of us for what we have ahead. So now that this is our new normal, vacationing will be part of that, even if it looks crazy and hard work. With that being said, go on a vacation with your family and make some memories because in the end it is all you have, not stuff but memories, good and bad. I'm so excited to be back and keeping you all in touch of what goes on in this Nest.
XOXO Michelle

A letter to someone who is so close but so far!

A letter to Her for this upcoming Mother's Day...

Hello I know we have never met but I feel like I already know you because I have three pieces of you who I hold so close to me. You must be beautiful because these three boys have the most beautiful smiles and eyes I have ever seen. There contagious laugh will melt your heart, the second you hear it, I bet you sound the same when you laugh. I don't know if you are good at sports but man are they excellent at it. I definitely see a future with them in all sports. They all love to be outside and if you give them a ball be ready to catch because they throw hard. They want to eat everything they can and as fast as they can, we are still working on that! They have older sisters who love them so much and are teaching them all they need to know about girls. So trust me they will be prepared as they get older with girlfriends. They are surrounded by family and friends who would walk the ends of earth for them. The boys love to fish and touch and catch bugs that are the most terrifying and the bigger the better. I find myself learning daily with them and just how different boys are, they just want to be dirty and wild with no drama or fuss. I will be honest when I first met them I was so scared! How could I Mother these three boys and my three girls at the same time? The first time they came to us they were curious about everything and were afraid of our dog Kobe who has become their best friend. They are all on a great schedule they each thrive on it and it helps me out. Now I know this letter can make them out to be angels, and they are for the most part but they can have their moments.

 Their moments sometimes make me mad at you and I am sorry for that, I guess it all comes in frustrations in some choices that you made that were maybe not the best. So please hear me when I say I am not angry with you actually sad because there is loss here. The boys don't know what you look like or what you are like they know they had a tummy Mommy who wasn't able to care for them but loves them despite it all. They know they grew in my heart and God chose me to care for them. From the deepest part of my heart I am so sorry for what you have had to endure in your life and that there wasn't someone there leading you. Maybe things could have been different all around but in this life we can't what if? We must live by what now? My families' adoption journey hasn't been easy we have had a rough battle through it all. Now I am not telling you that we are this perfect family and we just scoop up children who are in need, it isn't like that. See there is a  God we believe in with all our hearts and mind and one of His biggest passions is orphans and to look after them and we have been called to do that with all judgement aside, because believe or not this God loves you just the same and wants you to spend forever with him. I just want you to know I am grateful for you because without you there would not be these three boys and I want you to know I will forever be in their corner fighting for them and cheering them on through life. My Mothering has changed because of you I now am a Mother to six who I will do my best by and the boys will know what the Love of God  means. I pray for you and that God would intervene in your life and heal you from any bondage and for you to know there is a God that loves you so much he died on the cross for all the sins and mistakes that got you to that point. From a Mother to a Mother I promise to do my best and forever am Grateful. So this Mother's Day and every Mother's Day we don't forget you.

It Doesn't Last Forever...

 Oh my sweet, sweet friend there is Hope in the darkest place. I know it can feel like you can never escape this darkest moment. No one could quite understand what you are going through, but there is light at the end of that dark road, I know because I was on it. Panic attacks and anxiety stole my joy, my life and moments that should have been beautiful, but were not. We all experience that dark place but for many of us that looks different. My dark place, of anxiety, and panic attacks I know is very common and most don't share about it. I know I'm an open book, but sometimes you really can't reach people if you aren't open. No one ever knows what a story has if they keep the book closed. So that is why I wanted to share this part. I have come a long way in these last six months. Not being able to eat or shower or do anything out of fear, was the most terrifying experience. My husband and Mom saw me at my worst. I was either laying on the ground paralyzed with fear or pacing the house in panic. I never thought that I would feel like my self again. Being a Mom wasn't able to happen and I am not lying when I say that. I was literally watched over by my Mom and Ty, there were days when I just laid in a dark room. I will never forget crying to Tyler saying; "Will this ever go away?"  The feeling of I could never get through this, was so real and it ruled my life. Friends, it does go away and it doesn't last forever. Sometimes being in that dark place gets you to notice the better when maybe you wouldn't have before. I can already tell that half of you that read this have felt alone in the dark moments that you go through.

We all do a great job making life look different from what we really experience. Surround yourself by people who will cut you slack and are supportive even in the ugly uncomfortable situations. I missed many social invites I felt guilty but my friends and people around me understood. Sure not everyone understands what you are going through but just being loved through it is enough. My bible study girls showed up at my house with dinners for me in my rough season. They didn't ask me questions just loved me and sure I told them everything I was going through. If this is you right now alone and in that spot please go get help, it is ok to get help. Don't listen to this world that tells you, you are weak for getting help or even getting on meds. Can we just say thank you to the people who made those meds... I myself have been on different types of medicines and never did they work for me actually made my symptoms worse... But I now take enough vitamins to fill an easter egg, I don't think that it matters if you are or aren't on medicine, it first of all shouldn't have to be shameful or even a secret?  I  personally know some people who might look like they have it all together but actually they are on those medicines because it helps them. We live in a society that some would say you are weak if you need to resort to medicine. Well, those people need to spend a week with some of us mentally ill and then tell me what they would think. All to say is, don't be ashamed for getting help but be proud that you did. Trust me you are stronger for getting help and even admitting you need it. My friend, it doesn't have to last forever if you don't let it. Your/our dark moments are not lasting, just a glitch to this thing called life.

Evil Creeps In...

• When things get rough around here they really get rough. Our family is now adjusting after two years being a unit of eight. Six kids different personalities and two parents trying to stay a float in all areas they are given. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever know how hard parenting would be and adoption for that matter. Many times Ty and I say: "We make a Good team" but wow does our team lose often. Just this past week Evil has creeped in our home and taken over. It started by a very angry child who was very disrespectful to Ty and I. Threw some major fits all in front of their friends. Needless to say it did not go well, I felt defeated. Tyler was at a loss for what just happened. This child was saved by having friends over to what really could have taken place. It is so amazing how much our kids can dictate our whole moods. So the day went on and this child still was having an awful day. We then left later to a game for one of the kids and games are not the easiest to watch. One child is playing the sport and the other five are being wrangled up constantly like a herd of sheep.  Dad helps out the coach so I am always trying to get glimpse of my kid playing while hoping one child isn't eating a strangers food or leaving in the parking lot. After a really long day and game we had the quietest ride home. Ty and I were so ready for the day to be over we were both done. So after both of us saying we did not eat dinner, a child walking to the bathroom manages to fall and split his head wide open at nine at night. Ty made one look at it, got shoes for the both of them and they were out the door with no good bye or anything. I knew at that moment this day really was not a good one. And just to give a glimpse we do not live close to the nearest hospital it is 20 minutes away and yes to us that is long. The girls were fighting who would get in the shower and ugly to each other. I could only imagine my girls being nice to each other when the word go take a shower is said. Then the screaming starts "Mommy" the toilet is overflowing!"  I don't do toilets that's Ty's thing, if its a thing?

Doesn't the Evil that has taken over my home know I could not take on one more thing? So thankfully I knew what I was doing and managed to fix the toliet. Defenitley went to bed defeated and Ty was gone for a while with the clumsy child. This will be his second set of stitches in his head. The weekend was still overwhelming. Two kids came down with strep throat one with a viral infection. Waited at the Dr's for 2 1/2 hours. So we decided to run errands instead, where my son managed to pee all over the floor at the Apple store. He then threw his nasty bandaid covering his owie at the employee. I can't make this stuff up. Thank goodness my Mom was able to manage the fort and pick up from bus stop and make cupcakes for the class for someones birthday. Also another grandparent took one to dance and did homework with another. (THANKFUL) Ty wasn't able to come home becasue he had a work meeting and the day was already so long and kids were sick and super grumpy. He got home really late and looked at me and just kneeled next to my bed and prayed. He prayed for this Evil that has taken up our home to be gone because it is wearing us out. My Pastor told me once "I pray for you guys a lot." I wonder why? This life is hard and nuts and full of stories and events in the Napier Casa.
But isn't this story I just told one you already experienced this week or sometime,  just maybe a different version? We aren't a cookie cutter family that is for sure. When our door closes we experience it all, the good, bad and the ugly. Evil doesn't skip us and I know it doesn't for everyone else too. So fight the good fight during the rough seasons, because thats why it is a season. It doesn't last forever and "THE JOY COMES IN THE MORNING" These are just stories and they may seem small but they are hard stuff in the midst of life and a big family. Would you be praying for our family as we enter a new stage, "counseling". Yep I said the word counseling the one everyone thinks you are weak if you do it or say it. We have now come to a point with one of our children and feel its best and I myself have got the best help through counseling. You know I try to be transparent through my blogs. So this is us the Napier crew going through some hard stuff. These past 4 years have rocked our world and we are getting through the hard all together as a family. We are all just a bunch of nuts trying to not crack.

                                                       Michelle:)

Not 50/50 but 100/100

You know those puppy commercials that when they call out for dinner time they all rush in? 

Well that is the Napier house on Sunday Mornings when you say "let's get ready it is time for breakfast and church!" We have early risers aren't we lucky? Our kids don't ever sleep in and it is not like we have babies we have older children. It is like they have morning meetings while Ty and I are sleeping to see who can get up the earliest. Now my post reads 100/100 because that is how our marriage works and has to with raising a full blown NUT House. I posted a pic yesterday of the kids dressed nice and hair done even three girls hair curled before church and we go to first service.

This is how we do it,

 I am married to a man who likes to get up early, and no way do I share that with him.

So by the time I get out of bed breakfast is already made for 6 hungry savages.

Then I get up to get the kids clothes out because he can't be trusted, and I am way too much of a control freak about it.  Surprise you already must  have known that. We both work as a team tackling our morning. He always lets me get ready and is usually waiting for me very last. You want to know the big ticker how it all works, Ty blow drys my hair while I am curling three girls at a time. Yep that is right he totally helps me because it takes me 25 minutes to do that. And I am able to do my girls hair too. You may say "Why would he do that?" Well the boys are done getting ready and  by this time has the whole house cleaned and is waiting for us girls. SO it just works that way sometimes. It's not every Sunday because every Sunday I do not curl hair. Plus Ty would not be into that every Sunday he does it for the team.  But all to say Ty is the reason for me that things can run smoothly and we can be somewhere on time. I had to do it by myself for two and half months and now four days a week. But I am so thankful for Ty who is the best team mate and knows how much work goes into raising our crew. When we had our adoption interview for our boys we were asked "How come you want 6?" Great question I still don't know sometimes! But I replied, Ty is the reason I can say we can take in these three boys because he gives 100% to his family and to this journey. She then said "OK because we are having a hard time placing all three together." Obviously they are having a hard time placing 3 toddler boys together that is a sign up for CRAZY which we said "Yes" to. And boy am I glad we did. I would  not want our mornings filled without crying, screaming, laughing any other way. It is a reminder on the daily that God is working in me and family by the minute. 

But to the Mom who says "How do you get them all ready and dressed with six?" I say the same way you do it, I cry and kick and scream along the way too trying to survive the tornado we just went through to get ready. Pictures don't define our family truly getting to know us will for you. If you dare want to come over and spend time with these crazies. And remember you asked how we get ready for church to be there at the first service and that is how we roll.

Braving your " New Normal "

What does "Braving your New Normal" look like? So many things can top the list for so many. It just isn't narrowed to one certain thing. Lately it has had me thinking after talks with friends and a

New year starting what it looks like for so many of you. Nobody can define what Normal really  is because it is different to everyone.

 What my Normal looks like Trust me, probably doesn't want to be someones  normal..aka 6 kids. I want to say I admire so many of you who choose to be BRAVE to your "NEW NORMAL" or even your normal because that's the way its always been. Keep on being BRAVE my friends because their is a GOD who makes you BRAVE and gives you that strength when you think you just can't.

I think of a dear friend what her "Braving New Normal" looks like, 

 Her's is becoming a widow and so many strengths she has had to have with that. She now has to handle life differently not only for herself but now for her children.

She tells me "she gets tired of putting on a face and it is just plain hard sometimes".
 Yet she doesn't see how her story and how she handles to see herself impacts so many.

 She chooses to get up and out of bed to take on the day. To take on the day, none the less, with a smile on her face "always." I could promise you that she would never wish anyone having to "Brave that kind of  "Normal."

My heart aches for her yet I look into her eyes and she my friends is one BRAVE woman. She chooses to Brave the "New Normal" even though it is tough. I am so thankful for all she has taught me over the years. She has taught me more about Bravery than she knows.
And God keeps placing her into my life, and friends that is no mistake!

.www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi-VMxT6fc

This song gets me every time... I remember hearing it after losing my Grandma and it spoke volumes to me. Hope you can take the time to listen to it.

"Braving the New Normal" for another sweet friend comes in the form in a 6 letter word no one wants to hear. She is wife, mother, friend and her "New Normal"  will start looking a whole lot different. She tells me "I am scared what my New Normal will be like" She also is one 

 BRAVE woman.  She too doesn't realize how her Bravery has impacted so many.
  She Braves the day knowing there is a long road ahead of her, and she TRUST in the one who calls her "Daughter". 

 My "New Normal" looks a lot different than it did from a year ago. I am now am limiting what I do and take on. I never really experienced being overwhelmed like I do now. I now set boundaries and  I didn't before. I am not able to do all the  things I did before.  I admittedly now say "NO I am not able to do that", rather than say "YES I can do it all". With "Braving your New Normal" it is very hard to not go back to what it used to be like, good and bad. All circumstances lead us to our "New Normals"

Sometimes we don't want to accept our "New Normals" because we thought  how our lives were before was just fine, but not always. Some cases we are ready to begin the "New Normal" because the past was a hard road.

We have to truly believe down to the core, that God has this
 "New Normal" down to the core and it all works according to his plan.

My family had a small taste of what our "New Normal" could of been like away from our family
and something never settled right for us. I had long talks with people who I respect to speak truth into my life about wanting to move back home. Some agreed some didn't but that is ok. God knew our hearts the whole time and he opened a door for us to be back home. But here is the thing, it is a "New Normal" to us being back home. Because things aren't the way they were when we left, so many  different changes already but that is only growing our family.
       
So what does "Braving your New Normal look like?  And the ones who you have around you or see "Braving" it let them know, encouragement goes a long way.

It's their "Gotcha" day...

One year ago today our lives were forever changed... Our three year long journey ended with the adoption of our three boys. Nothing could ever quite explain that day, community, love, family, support was  shown.
But not only were we celebrating the adoption, that is the day we chose to try a new adventure and moved to Arizona. What a year this has been for our family, nothing but growth that's for sure. This day is a proof of God's unfailing love. Adoption is HARD my friends but this day is a reminder that it is amazing and worth it even in the really hard times.
These are the pictures I received on January 10th, 2103 from my social worker saying there were 3 who had just turn 1, 2 and 3 who were brothers who needed to be adopted together. That they were having a hard time placing them all in one home. Couldn't imagine if we didn't say "yes".

Courage...

 Courage is not the absence of fear,
 but rather the assessment that
something else is more important
than fear.
Frankilin D. Roosevelt

First off I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who reached out after my last blog post. I didn't even realize how people I know or don't know who also struggle.

Last year was a whirlwind as you know for all who follow. Last year at this time I sat with a friend who ask what my word would be for the upcoming year well it was adventure. What an adventure last year was. Going through a really dark place and coming out of it made me think of my word this year... What would it be?? Then it came to me, Courage would be it. So many things have already happened that I have had to have Courage to do or even accomplish. Without having the courage it wouldn't of been done. Some of my courage has been coming in the form of saying No... I am such a people pleaser and doer I want to say yes. But it is taking me to say No that make me courage's. I was going to do a speaking engagement for a big group of Moms in February I was sooo excited to do it and to share our story and journey. But as I sat and really thought about it right now I am not in a place to do that. Having to tell the coordinator I would have to decline and say no was very hard for me. She was so encouraging and understood, my heart said yes over and over but I knew saying No was the best thing. Then it brought me to think how many other people out there don't have the courage to say no or even yes? I think of the Mom who puts her self last because her family becomes first. Because the courage to get there to say" I need to take care of myself first" isn't very strong. If  I have learned anything its when we put ourselves last no body can really have the best of us. I encourage that Mom out there to take care of her self first. Now coming first doesn't mean neglectful it means Mom's mental and physical needs to come first however it needs to. It doesn't make you a Bad Mom it makes you a better one. Trust me I speak from experience, never putting my mental health first got me to hit the floor.  Having the courage to let the people around you know you aren't ok and you are tired of pretending you are.
Your courage might look different in forgiving someone who really has done you wrong but you can't even begin to scrape up the courage to forgive them. The courage to saying yes to something God has been calling you to do.  Yet you put  that calling  on the back burner because you are scared of what it would cost you. The courage to say No I can't do it all. Yet we all have that fear of something that prevents us to what we are really capable of doing.
If you would of ask me 3 months ago I had nothing not one ounce of Courage. Fear came  in my life like a dark black cloud I couldn't escape. Having the courage to come out of that darkness is brings me to tears because I never thought it would happen. But here is the thing all our courage looks different. Yet we all have to have the courage to take on this life God has given us. All our life stories are different but we all have Courage you just have to use it. I need all the courage from the out most loving God who gives it. Mothering 6 kids is by far the  hardest thing I have ever done and need so much courage during my day. If I can be any encouragement is to acknowledge your fears and practice courage everyday.

Be strong and courages...
for the Lord your God will be with you
wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

Darkest Place.

Behind that smile is a Mom hanging on not knowing what is going on inside her. Driving  home with her children a overwhelming sense of fear comes over her. Her heart starts racing and she is paralyzed with panic.  This starts to come a recurrence and doing things becomes harder and harder for her. Yet if you would look at her from the outside she looks perfectly fine. Yet inside she is struggling mentally. My life definitely changed 2 months ago going from being social and being apart of everything and doing it all. I had a panic attack that lasted 12 hours and if you have never experienced one I am so thankful for you to not have. It is one of the worst things to experience. From there on it made me fearful to do anything... I couldn't eat, the thought of being alone with my children made me so scared. I felt like this would never go away and I was trapped. My Mom came to stay with us during the weeks to take my kids to school and to be home with me. I could never say I how grateful to her I am for  her help. Even in my struggles while she was here it was the best and healing time for my Mom and I. She really stepped up and took charge over me and my family. And you know we are a flat out a circus ring. This experience for me has been the most humbling for myself not being able to do certain things or being at different places has been difficult. 

I am back at seeing my counselor who I did before and she has really help me put into perspective in what I am dealing with. See I struggle with mental disorder.... Yep that's right I said it a Mental disorder... Some may categorize that as crazy but it is not. I would never even want to admit that that's what I struggle from. There are many causes of mental disorders. Your genes and family history may play a role. Your life experiences, such as stress or a history of abuse, may also matter. Anxiety does run in my family and is genetic and can be passed down. But I have also dealt with some pretty traumatic experiences growing up.  I have now come off of a 3 year adrenaline rush. If you have followed my blog you know what we have gone through. So my body is now coming off of that and just letting it all go. See having panic, anxiety is such a mental struggle not one person would ever ask to have it yet it is never talked about and so many people suffer from it. It is almost a taboo if you were to say you have it or struggle with things like OCD which I have also. Growing up I couldn't control my environment but keeping things in control or doing certain things I could control I would do. My mentality has been such the Super Woman-Mom and I did it all and yet it took me down. Having this struggle and now trying to deal with it in the best way is a tough road. I have feelings that come out that I was too busy to deal with. Grieving my Grandma never happened because I was in shock and yet too busy to grieve and it is all coming out now. I'm learning that there are consequences to our lives the Napier's saying yes to  a Mighty God yet in those yeses are consequences. I think we go by in life thinking we are exempt sometimes from the hard stuff but in no way are we. I literally have never been on my knees screaming and crying like I  have been  for this struggle to go away. This is definitely something you can't explain unless you have been through yourself or struggled with. During this time I have met or heard stories of other Moms or woman who do struggle and who take medicine for it. See I think in our struggles if we admit we have them it is a major sign of weakness. But really you are helping someone else saying yes I do struggle and my life isn't cookie cutter. Yes sharing this gives people maybe many reasons to perform their own judgement on me yet I'm being honest about a real struggle that is never talked about. Daily I now fight this and wrestle in my head of what is true and is not. I still maybe can't do things I did before right now but I am a work in progress. I just now can say I find joy in this mess if that means you other Moms or woman can know you aren't alone. I am so grateful to my friends and family who have been there for me during this time. Dinner's being brought to us so it was one less thing for me to do. A text saying I'm praying for you or just thinking you. I could never say how much my husband has endured by watching me go through this. It has not been the easiest on our marriage that's for sure yet we come through the cracks. He has been by my side the whole way through. My children are who I think of when this terrible thing wants to take me under they are the reason I fight this terrible thing. I never knew how much Ephesians 2:10 would mean into my life until now, so much  so I got it tattooed on me over a year ago but recite it daily... I think I now know why fear is written so much in the bible because God knew what a struggle it was going to be to deal with it. Yet he doesn't leave out being anxious or anxiety either.
God knew what he was doing this whole time and if you ask me he does his best work in our darkest places because sometimes we have to get there to let him.

Always an Adventure...

I think by now you probably get that our family is always up to something. I usually don't go planning these crazy schemes but our life has been quite a adventure I'll say. When we wanted to make a change out of the same mundane of life we were doing boy did that happen. Our lives were changed forever. 6 kids later 3 moves 2 new jobs, a move across state. Living in limbo during this time hasn't been easy mentally that's for sure. This year by far marks it in the books for us. Our boys were adopted in January and we moved that night away from everything we always knew.

We moved into a new beautiful home met some incredible people, BUT something wasn't right.

We took on this new adventure God had opened doors to. We left our hometown to go see what it was like for our family.

 I must say I think a part of a lot people wish if they had the chance they would leave somewhere they only ever knew. 

And that's what we did, New school, new church, new friends, new neighbors. We lived in a great city had a lot to offer. But we still didn't feel settled. 

Now having 8 kids and taking all of them from everything they knew seemed to be OK for our family. I met some incredible people who I know now I will have forever friendships with.

Then one day I woke up and was toying is this where we want to be and raise our family?

I mean we had only been there 5 months already How could I really know?

I knew as Mom and wife that it was not the place for us. I mean this beautiful city has everything you need of convenience. So many things for family's,kids ect...  Amazing schools so many it hard to choose from. Our home is beautiful with a pool in a great neighborhood why would we leave that? Then it all revealed to me as much as I wanted the change of Newness I longed for and craved for the Familiar. But how was I ever going to share this with Ty? I would sound completely

insane and it would never work to move back home. We just moved 5months ago across state with 6 kids and went through a lot to get here. So one evening we were sitting on our bedroom floor talking and I just brought it up. I told him How I thought this wasn't the place for us and Our family should be back home. He looked at me and told me he felt the same exact way. I took the deepest breath ever because that was not what I was expecting. We prayed about it and had no clue how it would work but just prayed. During this time I was working through some hard stuff I had to work out in myself. Why was I wanting to move? What is my happiness based on? Is GOD enough if we don't get to move?

So fast forwarding a month later I dealt with one of the hardest things I have gone through loosing my Grandma Mary. That was really tough being away from family.

 So here is the thing I know people move all the time and so many are away from family. That we shouldn't move just because our family is there because one day they won't be same with friends. But I tell you what if we were given the chance to be back with our family and  friends we were going to take it. The kids and I left late may back home to attend my Grandma's service and to be with family. During this time Tyler got a call for a position that was opening. We couldn't of been more excited. He had the interview and we found out that week he got the job. GOD be all The Glory. Not only was it an amazing opportunity we would be home and he would have the same schedule too. No on call or work weekends anymore and financially better for us.

So we made the final decision for the kids and I to stay back for 3 weeks rather than going back to Az and moving back and forth. Hardest part was not saying goodbye face to face to a couple people. I knew they would understand and we wouldn't loose touch.

That's why if you have kept up with us and see no Ty in any pics is he has been back home packing us all up. The kids and I have lived with all sets of Grandparents. Very grateful for that because taking us on is a lot. The kids could not be anymore excited to be moving home. Just seeing them thrive with cousins and Grandparents, friends all around is more than I ever thought. There is just something being with family...Realizing the very small small stuff we took for granted is what mattered most to us. Even if that means I am a hour away from every convenience. lol We learned more about our selves, kids and marriage these past 6 months than I ever thought I could know. 

Today we move into our new house in the country although we will miss our pool.

God has big things planned for our family and watch out because I know he isn't moving us back just for nothing. He has definitely revealed somethings that we are excited about. So stay tuned.

I know I know crazy yet again moving. We should just invest in a moving company. lol

Ive learned life is an adventure take risk go through the hard stuff. We definitely took a risk moving, financially, spiritually, mentally. We could have stayed longer and endured what we were going though but God opened doors for where he knew our family needed to be. Ty getting this job was such a blessing because he isn't even going back to his old job or old place.So him getting a job back home was not that easy just all GOD. He is starting in a whole new area and different environment. We are so thankful for the encouragement and prayers along the way. Even when ugly truth in Love had to be told to us. We will always have a story in Az because it is now apart of ours. So if the opportunity ever comes and you don't know whether to move? Try it it might just be for you we are thankful we said yes and would have always wondered...

Transparent

If you follow me on instagram or facebook, you saw a post of what I feel like sometimes.

Yesterday was a day that defeat definitely won. I know what your thinking you have 6 kids everyday would be like that. Believe it or not 6 kids can go smoothly some days. 6 against 1 can be crazy. You get many feelings, different personalities. Someone has a little rough go then it throws everyone off. Yesterday made me realize I'm not the only one out there who feels like this. Yet you would of never known if I wasn't honest. Because we all can do a great job of making everything look Pretty. Pictures we post or statuses we write. You don't ever want to post a video of you screaming at your kids or saying no to them when they want to play. We post the smiles they just did for the camera but you repeatedly had to ask them or even take a million to get that smile. You never would want to post "Just flicked so n so in the mouth and then told him how horrible he or she is" we would never do that because then they would think I'm the worst.

But why is it so hard to be transparent and honest? Why must we front everything?

Don't get me wrong I know we are blessed and we have some really good days but lets remember that when the bad ones happen its part of our story too.  If we truly just cared of what God thinks of us, we could be more honest with people and ourselves. 

Because his opinion is what matters most right? Today's day is run by social media and that's how we think we know someone? We think we know them so much to even talk about them. Yet you have no idea what they are going though behind that screen. These past 4 years of our life changing have brought me to be so honest of our journey and our lives. I think God has allowed things to happen in our lives so we could be real with ourselves and have almost a reality check and boy have we had a lot. 

But if we don't have those rough patches how are we ever going to grow?

I want to be a encouragement to Moms out there, adoptive or not. We need to rally each other rather than pick each other apart. Most days I go to bed and think 'Wow today I failed many times", then I am so thankful that tomorrow is a new day. I know I'm a Hot Mess but a Beautiful Mess HE is making of me. God brought all this kids into my life. HE chose me to be their Mom and equips me daily even when I fail and am very hard on myself. If Mothering isn't about being honest, what are we teaching our kids? That life looks perfect always? I have to ask for forgiveness many times from my kids.

Your story will also help someone else out who is afraid to say so. Yet your honesty could be the

extra they need. Knowing I'm not alone is such a good feeling as a Mom. I have a Mom who I call a lot she is also a Mentor.
 I know I could call her and just vent and she right away will say "Girl that happens and its OK" and then sometimes she's honest and tells me that isn't going away.

We need those people in our lives the ones we are honest with and who are honest with us. 

Being MOM is one of Gods greatest Blessings but to remember without the really rough times how can you get to those really GOOD ones. You matter as MOM and don't let those bad days

let you feel different. He has prepared you already for your Life as Mom. I was reminded this yesterday. Heck I need to remember this always it is tattooed on my arm.

Much Love to all you Mamas....
If you want to follow me on instagram and see this circus. Follow me at Napier Life

For we are God's handiwork, created in christ Jesus to do good works,

 which he prepared us in advanced to do.

Ephesians 2:10

Grandma Mary....

    

 This is one of those blogs I have always known I was going  to write. But when writing it would be because she would no longer be here anymore. You know that one person in your life who you have such a stronghold to, the one who could make anything seem like it would be ok! 

Well for me, that was my Grandma Mary, a lady who made my world better. I didn't have the best up bringing in the world different story for another blog,, but I did have Grandma Mary. Her house was like a safe place you knew as soon as you walked in the doors nothing bad could happen. 

She would be standing there in the doorway ready to greet you with a kiss. I was always greeted with   "Hi Meeshell"    that is what she called me my whole life in her little Mexican accent. See my Papa Rae passed away when I was 3 and my Grandma never remarried she was a widow for 29 years. Being at Grandmas you knew you would get to eat dinner on Tv trays with her in her living room I would sleep with her even until I was 17 and every night was the same routine. Curlers in her hair and Bengae lotion on her arms. Wow was it such a strong scent. Breakfast in the morning was like no other, I mean lets get serious a Mexican Grandma in the Kitchen even a restaurant couldn't compare. Eggs,beans, salsa, potatoes and bacon. When my brother Noah and I would go there in the summer I couldn't wait. But I knew my Grandma would prepare herself. We were a handful that's for sure.

 See my Grandma never drove she was to scared, so we took the city bus everywhere we went. She lived right around the corner of Mc Dondalds and we would walk there but see with Grandma you always had to hold her hand or she would not take you. As I got older I spent more time just sitting in her living room with her talking about her life with Papa and as a Mom to four kids. I will forever cherish those times. In her kitchen growing up she had a owl cookie jar and you knew it was always filled with chocolate chip cookies, until she had to start  buying the healthy ones. Her candy bowl out in the living room was a tempting source of trouble when you were told no and you would sneak one in your pocket. As I talk about her and I wish so badly she was here I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for memories, because isn't that all we have? 

Grandma Mary was the most giving woman I had ever met her Faith was very strong. He kind heart is what made her so special. The day of my wedding I got the worst anxiety attack and wouldn't walk down the isle until she got there. I can't even describe the feeling I had when she walked in the back of the church. I will never forget how she smelled how soft her skin was and what she said to me. "Meeshell your going to be ok Tyler is a good boy" See I get my anxiety from my Grandma she was too scared to be in the wedding party and walk down the isle so she didn't. HA...

As I became a Mom it was my geatest Joy bringing my girls to her. I had heart problems so I had to deliver at Ucla but the biggest blessing of that is I was only 5 minutes from her house so directly leaving the hospital we went straight to Grandma Marys. She had the biggest smile on her face and would sing them the same song she sang to me. Chonie, chonie, chonie, chonie, chonie chone. I even have it on video which is the best thing to watch. I know a song about underwear but my kids even know it because I sang it to them. When she started to get sick and went into the home that was really hard because I knew her mind and her body was failing and it was't Grandma Mary anymore. 

My Grandma gave me so many baths as a little girl which I dreaded because she would scrub her nails into my scalp and it hurt. lol But she always made sure I was clean and ready for bed with her red cinnamon toothpaste I loved using. Then one day roles were reversed I was in the same bathroom giving her a bath because she could no longer do it herself.  What she said to me I can hardly type. "God Bless you Meeshell for doing this for me". She was in her most vulnerable state and I was taking care of her and I wouldn't of had it any other way. It reminded me of The I'll love you forever book, if you haven't read it you must. But warning a tear jerk. The day I found out she passed I just sat there with no emotion because I didn't know what to even think. She has been the one person in my life I have never wanted to loose. My girls  love her as much as me she was their GG. They spent a lot of time with her. Her service was beautiful and we celebrated a Great woman. She will never be forgotten and Mary Esparza's legacy will live on. Heck have you seen Lola she is the spitting image of her and sass too. Be grateful for the family that imprints on your heart its one of Gods Greatest blessings.

Hope is not Forgeotten...

 We grew up going to the same church went to Sunday school together and youth group.

                                         She was shy and quiet and I was loud and not shy.

                            We didn't hang out in school but always said Hi to one another.

We both worked at local business after and during high school. I married Ty July 7, 2001, and she got married July 6, 2002. 

We met up again after I was married I would see her working at the store where I  grocery shopped.

 I wasn't able to attend her wedding since we were going away for our 1 year anniversary. Us and our husbands would get together as we were both newlyweds.

 In January of 2003 I called to tell her I was pregnant to only have her tell me right back she was too...

 We both laughed and couldn't believe it we were going to be pregnant together.  We would always ask how the other one was feeling we were 3 weeks apart. I was due at the end of August and her in September.

In April Ty and I found out we were having a girl and we were going to name her Faith. Jen was so excited for us. Jen was having her ultra sound a month later and she asked me to come with her ans her sister and Mom. I was so excited. 

Jen picked me up when it was her day to go see her baby she looked so cute in a maternity clothes. I think her and I would laugh at what we wore when we were pregnant back then.

 Now Jen did not want to find out what she was having so we were just going to see that precious baby growing inside her.

Now before I go on I just want to say this isn't my story this is Jens. I asked her for permission to share my side I don't want to display anything of Jen this is just what I experienced with her. She told me I could share.

We went into the ultra sound room all of us walking in there excited to see even though she wasn't finding out. Lights went out and there was this precious baby on screen. Then the whole room stopped it got silent and dark. The ultra sound tech didn't speak she called for the doctor. Jen's eyes swelling with tears, her mom and sister staying by her side. I was speechless. My sweet sweet friend was just told that the baby wasn't going to make it after birth. So then Jen decided she wanted to know what she was having. Jen was having a girl a precious baby girl. A girl who was going to make the biggest impact. We all gathered around Jen and cried out in prayer over her. They then called her into this room for further counsel. She was then asked if she wanted to terminate her pregnancy?  I will never forget the look on her face as she said " No No way that isn't what I believe". She then asked me to have Ty bring her husband down not knowing anything. I had to call Ty and tell him but not why just to grab him and get down here. Jen is incredible strong woman. She hugged me after this all went down and said "Thank you for being here" What???? This woman who just found out her baby girl wasn't going to make it after birth gives me a hug and consoles me!!!! I tried to be so strong for her but as I got in the car I lost it. Our baby girls were supposed to grow up together this wasn't fair. This amazing Godly young woman is going to endure some tragic loss and she knows it. Jen endured many visits for the baby at Ucla to understand her prognosis. We were on a walk together and we just would talk about how their baby girl could be healed and our God was bigger. She looked at me and asked if I would care but they wanted to name her Hope. I absolutely did not care and thought it was the most perfect name for her baby girl.

I struggled so much with guilt during this pregnancy because I never wanted to make her feel bad for what she was going through. Even sending her a baby shower invite was so hard. But you know who was there with a amazing smile and love Jen was. 

In July Ty and I were at my Moms in Valencia we had been swimming and I did not feel well all day. I started getting a really bad headache I told him to take me to the hospital just to make sure.

So on the way home we went to the hospital and sure enough I was admitted for dehydration.

Now can I just tell you, don't think of anything less of Gods timing because this will blow you away.

As I was able to leave after being re hydrated, I see Jen's dad standing in the hall way. I asked what he was doing there he said,  Jen came in she was having Hope. Having Hope? she wasn't due til September. No, she was having her. We waited in the waiting room as he said she would want me to be there. Now remember cell phones were not like they are today so getting a hold of each other isn't like it is. I didn't know what to expect if Jen was going to be able to hold her baby girl if see was going to be alive when she got here. And God is sooo sooo Good. Hope was frail but she was alive. I walked into this hospital room and see my friend with this smile I cant even explain.

 A tiny precious baby wrapped in a white blanket being held by her mother who loves her more than she would ever know. Surrounded by all her family. Jen looks at me and I tell you these words

I will never forget what she said to me.. " Michelle I can't wait for you to be a Mom this is the best thing ever" Her knowing I was having a healthy baby and her knowing her daughter had minutes hours to live. 

 I started crying how Did God put this selfless friend in my life I didn't deserve her friendship. Because I know I could have never said that.

Pause.... Crying uncontrollably...

Ok back... She gave Hope to me who was so tiny and had the blackest hair I have ever seen. She was  beautiful. This baby so precious and I couldn't stop thinking how I was able to meet this baby girl I knew so much about and prayed for. Jen let me hold her let me hold her baby girl who wasn't going to be on this earth for long. I gave her back and said our goodbyes and Jen and I could not believe we were at the hospital together. I was so in awe that God intervened and I was able to be there with my friend.

 The next day Hope past in her Daddy's arms. 

Jen was so strong during this she didn't even get angry. Hopes service was absolutely beautiful. Jen was so warm and inviting and wanted no one to be angry but to thank God for everything. Watching my friend see her precious daughter inside of this tiniest white casket you have ever seen was heart breaking. I watched this Mother sob in tears knowing her daughter was no longer here.

A month later I had Faith and I am saying something I have a hard time with. I purposely didn't call Jen to tell her I had her. I couldn't tell her. I felt it would be too much. But you know who called me Jen she was sad I didn't call her and wanted to come see Faith.

 Jen came over and held Faith and told me how sweet she was and she was so happy she was here.

Jen truly doesn't know what a impact she made on me and what True Grace looks like. Jen has a heart of of gold and I am forever grateful she is in my life. We definitely may not always keep in touch but she is one friend that will always be in my heart. She has two beautiful children, Tyller, and Jet. Her daughter Hopes legacy lives on even if she was here for a very short time.

 This July Hope would of been 11.

 Being that Mothers Day coming up I wanted to share this story of one incredible mother...

Love you Jen girl.

    In Jens words...

 "He never promises us a easy path, but He is with us every step of the way"